Untangling Narcissistic Abuse

There is no simple way to describe Narcissistic Abuse to people. Often starting as a fairy tale perfect romance, a Narcissist vandalizes you. “Narcissistic Abuse is people vandalism,” says Veronica Welles in answer to a question on Quora.

That seems pretty accurate, but only if you understand what Narcissistic Abuse is in the first place. In this article, I outline various components of Narcissistic Abuse, how it affects the victim and what possible steps you can take to get help. 

What is narcissism? 

One of the most prevalent phrases we hear regarding abusive partners is “narcissist.” This term is most commonly used to describe someone who is egotistic or self-serving and does not recognize the emotions of others. It is crucial to realize that narcissistic characteristics can appear to varying degrees in anyone, but this is not always an indication of a personality disorder. Thus a person may have narcissistic traits or might be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is important to remember that a qualified medical practitioner can only diagnose a personality disorder. Diagnosis without knowledge or experience is problematic in several ways.

Why is self-labeling an abuser with a mental disorder problematic?

Finding an explanation for an abusive partner’s conduct can be difficult. Yet, at the same time, it is normal to want to know how someone we feel deeply about, who claims to love us, can say and do things to us that are hurting or even harmful.

Disorders and diagnoses are frequently used to explain abusive conduct, BUT we know that mental health issues do not justify or directly cause domestic violence. There is currently no evidence that convincingly proves that abusive spouses have a larger percentage of mental illnesses or disorders (including narcissistic personality disorder) than the general population. Some abusive spouses may have a narcissistic personality disorder, but many do not. While persons with mental illnesses may confront the stigma of violence or abuse, it’s critical to remember that having a mental illness does not imply that a person would be emotionally or physically abusive. 

Connecting an abusive partner’s actions to a condition can further muddy the distinction between free will and what is regarded as “unchangeable.” Many diseases, including narcissistic personality disorder, are characterized by a person’s failure to recognize unhealthy behaviors or to demonstrate empathy to those impacted by their acts, limiting the prospect of transformation. When people evaluate their spouse’s conduct in this way and attach labels such as “narcissist,” it may lead to the notion that their partner has no control over their behavior or even a sense of acceptance of their partner’s behavior.

Furthermore, a person may believe that if only their spouse could be diagnosed, they might benefit from a blend of medication and therapy to improve their situation. However, it has been shown that whether a person has a mental health issue or not, they are in control of their decisions, and abuse is a choice. As a result, medicine is not an acceptable answer.

It’s important to realize that you are not responsible for their abusive actions whether or not your partner has a mental health disorder or issue.

There is no causal relationship between mental health issues and the decision to abuse one’s partner. Unfortunately, mental health disorders are frequently used to justify and excuse abusive conduct. 

With the above in mind, we can now see how a narcissist manipulates the victim and keeps them in a vicious circle of control and abuse.

What are the 7 stages of Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic Abuse is a type of psychological abuse perpetrated by a narcissist.

1. Love Bombing

The Narcissist adores you, believes you’re amazing, and lavishes you with love, attention, and flattery. Ostentatious gestures and presents frequently accompanied them.

2. Trust and Dependency

You develop a relationship with them and feel they have your best interests in mind. As a result, you have become overly reliant on them for affirmation, affection, and acceptance.

3. Criticism starts

They then began to criticize you. It occurs in phases and grows gradually as they limit loving actions and acts of kindness; they will add controlling behaviors and blame you for their actions.

4. Gaslighting

They want you to think it’s all your fault. Your skepticism, grumbling, hurt, or feelings are all on you. Everything you’re going through is occurring because you’re no longer deserving of the initial love and devotion. They’d recover their respect for you if you could learn to behave correctly. Instead, they will actively cause you to mistrust your own experiences and views, and they will seek supporters to support their falsehoods. These behaviors are designed to persuade you to embrace their view of reality.

5. Establishing control

You’re in the midst of a fog. You are continually perplexed and have no idea what the truth is or who or what to believe any longer. However, you think that you are the issue and that you can correct your partner’s ridiculous or harsh conduct by responding to your partner’s requests. These expectations might be about your job, friendships, money, etc.

6. Loss of self

The relationship is on a rollercoaster, going from rare intense highs to sullen lows. An infidelity incident, for example, is typical. This is followed by an extravagant gift, proposal, or treat to regain your love, trust, and re-commitment. However, genuine change is only visible on the surface. When you try to defend yourself, they increase the ante on the manipulation. As a result, you’re probably confused and sad, and your self-esteem is low.

7. Discard

The gates are shutting down on you, and you’re feeling alone (maybe you’ve cut yourself off from family and friends). You are aware of the abuse yet are unable to stop it. This stage frequently results in the Narcissist rejecting you in favor of a new partner they have already groomed to supply the love and admiration you can no longer deliver. They have no use for a spouse who is aware of their deceptions.

These stages often continue in an unpredictable cycle, making things worse for the victim. Based on these stages, here are some warning signs and manipulation tactics that you can be on the lookout for. Some of it is repetition, but it is well worth repeating. I would say

Warning signs of Narcissistic Abuse 

Behavior Control

Abusers frequently attempt to exert control over their victims. For example, your abuser may try to limit what you wear, who you spend time with, and how much money you spend.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is an emotional abuse and manipulation technique that causes you to doubt your reality. For example, an abuser may deny what you know to be true, twist the facts, or use your own words against you to make you doubt your knowledge of the issue.

Social Restriction

Abusers frequently isolate their victims, removing them from other key contacts in their lives to make the victim more reliant on the abuser.

Privacy Violations

An abuser may follow you, snoop on your social media, or otherwise, breach your privacy. This gives them power and allows them to frighten you.

Verbal Abuse

Name-calling, demeaning, shouting, and the silent treatment are all examples of verbal abuse.

Elimination of Boundaries

A lack of boundaries might be an early symptom of abuse. Someone who swiftly integrates into your life may later become dominating or abusive.

Threats

An abuser may threaten you or others you care about, even your pets. As a form of control, an abuser may threaten self-harm.

Censorship

An abuser may try to influence what you say or even what you believe as part of a pattern. They could threaten or penalize you if you speak up.

Withholding/Silent treatment

Withholding is a manipulative action in which someone withdraws their attention, affection, or communication from you to punish you.

Triangulation 

Someone employing this technique will attempt to draw a third party into your disagreement, usually to bolster their viewpoint or stance.

Hoovering

This tactic involves trying to reconnect, acting repentant, and connecting on important dates, all in an attempt to draw you back into a toxic relationship.

Passive aggression

Indirect blaming, hinting at probable mistakes, and sarcasm are all passive-aggressive behaviors of a covert narcissist. 

What Narcissistic Abuse does to you?

The consequences of narcissistic abuse might vary depending on how long a person has endured it. The effects range from moderate to severe, with some survivors recovering and others suffering lifetime consequences. Here are some of the consequences that narcissistic abuse can have. 

• Anxiety and depression 
• Post-traumatic stress
• Loss of sense of self and self-worth
• Inability to forgive yourself
• Physical Symptoms include but are not limited to headaches, body aches, and difficulty sleeping.
• Cognitive Problems can be the inability to focus and short-term memory loss.
• Emotional Lability – mood swings and irritability
• Trust Issues 
• People Pleasing being conditioned to please the abuser, you can develop a habit of general people pleasing
• Self-destructive habits – drinking, smoking, food addiction, or overspending are additions that are often used to numb emotional pain.

What steps can you take to heal from Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse “vandalizes people.” It can irreversibly damage people’s life. Healing from betrayal, heartache, gaslighting, and financial losses inflicted by an abusive partner requires time and lots of hard work. Furthermore, you may have lost friends and family due to your seclusion.

Nobody deserves to be abused. This does not justify your abuse, even if your partner has a narcissistic personality disorder.

It is important to find ways to heal if you are struggling. Some ideas are provided below.

Accept and acknowledge your emotions. You may feel a variety of emotions, including sadness, depression, rage, and worry. Whatever you are experiencing is valid, and you mustn’t repress it or criticize yourself for having it.

Learn about Narcissistic Abuse. Educate yourself about the characteristics of a narcissist and what defines narcissistic abuse so you may spot when you are being exploited.

Seek out a support group. There are various online and offline communities for individuals with similar experiences. Interacting with individuals who understand what you’re going through and can provide suggestions and guidance to help you deal with it is one of the most important steps you can take toward your recovery. (Seek a domestic violence support group if you can’t find a specialized one)

Learn to practice self-care. When your self-esteem is low, believing that you don’t deserve anything nice for yourself is tempting. That, however, could not be further from the truth. It is critical to look for oneself. Ensure you’re getting adequate sleep, consuming nutritious foods, and engaging in fun activities.

Speak with a therapist or counselor. A therapist’s room is a secure and non-judgmental space. A therapist can help you develop strategies to cope with and heal from narcissistic abuse. A counselor or therapist can assist you in the following ways:

• Work through your feelings of denial, guilt, and humiliation.
• Process the loss of the relationship.
• Face your unpleasant thoughts and emotions.
• Handle depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues
• Develop new coping strategies.
• Resist the impulse to contact or reconnect with the abuser.
• Overcome self-harming practices or addictions
• Open up to others about your abuse

Final word

Narcissistic abuse is defined as emotional abuse performed by a narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder lack empathy and continually crave praise. However, mental illness, including narcissistic personality disorder, is not an excuse for abuse, and many abusers are not mentally ill. Want to know more? Have a virtual coffee with me