Understanding codependency, it is not love!

We all need someone to support us, and we all want to support someone. The problem with codependency is that people often confuse that they need someone’s approval or help as the meaning of love. Thus, codependency is often mistaken for love.  

This article examines codependency in detail, how it is different from healthy dependence, and what you can do if you are in a codependent relationship.

What is codependency?

Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as ‘the giver,’ feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making sacrifices for — the enabler, otherwise known as ‘the taker.’

— Dr. Exelberg

A mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual reliance on a spouse, friend, or family member is referred to as codependency. Do note that codependency does not refer to all caring behaviors but to just those caring behaviors or emotions that are excessive and overlook self. Responsibility for relations with others must coexist with personal responsibility.

The word codependency was first used in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous in the 1950s to educate partners of those who abused alcohol and were intertwined in the toxic lives of those they cared for. This is true, but codependency now encompasses a far more extensive range. Codependency occurs in many relationships, including parent-child, partner-partner, spouse-spouse, and even coworker-boss.

Codependency is also at times referred to as relationship addiction.

According to a 2018 study, the four primary themes of codependent behavior are as follows:

• Self-sacrifice.
• A predisposition to focus on others.
• A need for control, which may lead to conflict.
• Problems understanding and expressing emotions.

Individual dynamics in codependency

A codependent is someone who cannot operate independently and instead organizes their thinking and behavior around another person, process, or substance. Many codependents prioritize their wants while being overly concerned with the needs of others.

Romantic relationships and codependency

Some codependents frequently find themselves in relationships whose essential function is Rescuer, supporter, and confidante. These helper types often rely on the poor functioning of others to meet their emotional demands. The codependent person’s sense of purpose in a codependent relationship is focused on making extraordinary sacrifices to meet their partner’s wants. Codependent relationships indicate an unhealthy “clinginess” and needy conduct in which one individual lacks self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both partners seek fulfillment from their loved ones. The codependent’s mood and emotions are frequently influenced by how they believe others see them (especially loved ones). This self-inflicted notion often leads to clinging, needy behavior that might harm the relationship. 

Codependency can also manifest as people-pleasing, being the “fixer,” or simply lacking boundaries. 

How does a codependent relationship develop?

Codependency is developed via observation and imitation of other family members exhibiting this behavior. It is frequently passed on from generation to generation. As a result, a child who grew up witnessing a parent in a codependent relationship is likely to follow the pattern.

Codependency develops in dysfunctional households if individuals frequently deny or disregard their anger, anguish, fear, or humiliation. Underlying problems that lead to dysfunction may include:

• Drug, alcohol, job, food, sex, gambling, and relationship addiction
• Abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual)
• A physical or mental disease that lasts a long time

If you grow up in any of the above scenarios, you may grow up feeling that your personal needs don’t matter or that they can wait. Consequently, you learn to overlook your thoughts, feelings, and desires to make others happy and keep them from leaving.

Perhaps you were put in a position where you needed to care for a primary caregiver with health or mental issues. Caregiving behaviors might become so natural that you can’t help but bring them into future relationships.

Lastly, perhaps you discovered that ignoring your needs to satisfy others brought you accolades. So you can grow up trying to please everyone in your life to keep their love and acceptance.

Why is codependency unhealthy?

While everyone has loved ones and feels responsible for them, it becomes unhealthy when your identity becomes dependent on someone else. In that way, the fundamental problem of codependency is that the individual loses their sense of self because they pour so much of themselves into someone else.

Even if “the giver” doesn’t feel this way right away — they probably like providing their affection and being relied on – it usually escalates to unhealthy levels as the relationship continues.

Signs of Codependency

The signs of codependency involve a spectrum of dysfunctional traits and behaviors. CoDA, Codependents Anonymous has a list that falls into several patterns. The list is not diagnostic but indicative of codependency. A self-test for codependency is available at the CoDA site if you want to take it.

Denial patterns

• Difficulty identifying their emotions
• Minimizing, changing, or rejecting their true feelings
• Perceive oneself to be entirely selfless and committed to the well-being of others.

Low self-esteem patterns

• Making decisions is difficult.
• Harsh self-criticism, believing that what they think, say, or do is never good enough.
• Embarrassment when getting praise, acclaim, or presents
• Inability to recognize or request what they want and require
• They place a higher emphasis on others’ acceptance of their thoughts, feelings, and actions than on their own.
• They do not consider themselves to be likable or worthy.

Compliance patterns

• Values and integrity may be sacrificed to escape rejection and the wrath of others.
• High sensitivity to other people’s feelings and mirroring those feelings
• Extreme loyalty, staying in risky situations for an extended period
• A higher importance is placed on other people’s thoughts and feelings
• Fear of voicing opposing opinions or sentiments
• Putting their interests aside to do what others desire
• Acceptance of sex as a replacement for love

Control patterns

• A belief that people are unable to care for themselves
• Attempts to influence others to think, act, or feel a certain way
• Resentment when others refuse to assist or advise them
• Freely giving unsolicited advice and suggestions
• Giving gifts and favors
• Use of sex to win acceptance and approval
• You must feel needed in a relationship

Avoidance patterns

• Behaviors and acts that invite rejection, embarrassment, or hostility from others
• Criticism of what others believe, say or do
• To prevent feeling vulnerable, avoid emotional, physical, or sexual contact.
• Allowing addictions – people, places, and things
• To avoid disagreement or confrontation, use indirect or evasive speech.
• The notion that showing emotion is a sign of weakness

How to differentiate healthy dependence from codependency?

A two-person dependent relationship is typically seen as healthy. This is because every relationship involves some degree of mutual dependence.

A dependent relationship has more balanced roles, and both support for and dependency on the other partner is mutual, rather than unbalanced, as in a relationship between a codependent and an enabler.

Healthy Dependence	Codependence
Both partners prioritize their relationship, yet they also have other interests and hobbies.	Outside of the partnership, the codependent partner has no hobbies or beliefs.
Both partners communicate their wants and needs concerning one another.	The codependent partner disregards their own needs. The enabler cannot discern the codependent’s requirements or desires.
Both partners appreciate the relationship and are bonded by mutual respect and affection.	Only by making sacrifices (often excessive ones) for the enabler does the codependent partner feel worthy. The codependent partner is afraid of being abandoned and cannot imagine reality without the facilitator.

Codependency and the Karpman Drama Triangle

It is beyond the scope of this article to go into detail about the Karpman Drama Triangle. Still, I will quickly try to cover the basics and then explain how it relates to codependency.

The drama triangle

Stephen B. Karpman introduced the Karpman drama triangle as a sociological model of human interaction. The triangle represents a form of destructive interaction that can develop between people who are in conflict. The drama triangle model is a psychotherapeutic technique, especially in transactional analysis. The triangle consists of three roles Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. It should be noted that the Victim here “acts as” the Victim rather than being an actual victim.

The roles

“It’s all your fault,” asserts the Persecutor. The Persecutor is authoritarian, inflexible, and superior. He is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, and furious.

The Rescuer, whose catchphrase is “Let me help you.” The Rescuer is a classic enabler who feels terrible if they do not go to the rescue. However, their assistance has a detrimental impact: it makes the Victim reliant and allows the Victim to fail. The benefit of this rescue is that the emphasis is removed from the Rescuer. When they focus on someone else, the Rescuer can disregard their issues.

The Victim exclaims, “Poor me!” Victims feel victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, and embarrassed, and they appear unable to make decisions, solve issues, enjoy life, or gain understanding.

Participants in the drama triangle usually play a habitual role learned in their family of origin. Still, they might swap roles as the drama progresses: a Persecutor may switch to the Rescuer, a Victim or Rescuer may switch to the Persecutor, and so on. The arrows in the figure above represent these role-switches. There is no drama without switches, and the more switches there are, the more intense the drama.

If the Victim is not being persecuted, they will seek out a Persecutor and a Rescuer who will save the day while simultaneously perpetuating the Victim’s negative feelings. It is critical to understand this: A habitual Victim necessitates a Persecutor, and if one is not immediately accessible, emotional reasoning can allow an offense to be concocted out of thin air and blamed on a nearby target of opportunity, thereby kicking off the drama.

How does it relate to codependency?

A codependent relationship can occur between a habitual Victim and a habituated Rescuer, with each partner gaining a psychological benefit for continuing to perform their traditional role. The Victim’s requirements are addressed by having the Rescuer look after them. In contrast, the Rescuer feels competent or helpful and has a motivation to continue assisting the Victim as long as this payout exists.

Overcoming Codependency

Some people are capable of overcoming codependency on their own. However, learning what it means to be codependent and the suffering it causes might be enough to modify some people’s behavior. You can overcome codependence by doing the following:

Learn about healthy relationships. What it looks like – Making time for each other, retaining independence, being honest and open, displaying affection, and having equality are signs of a healthy relationship. 

Have healthy boundaries. I will not elaborate more on this as I have already covered this in a previous article. You can read it here.

Practice Self-care. People in codependent relationships frequently have low self-esteem. To break the cycle of codependence, you must first value yourself. Learn more about what makes you happy and the type of life you want to live. Spend time doing activities that you enjoy. Work on changing negative self-talk and replacing it with more optimistic, realistic views. Also, ensure you’re taking care of your health by obtaining enough food, relaxation, and self-care for your emotional well-being.

Escape the drama triangle

If you recognize that you are stuck in a drama triangle, you can try to break it. To get started with dismantling the drama triangle, you can take the following steps

1. Be responsible for your own emotions and behavior
2. Refuse to play the roles in the triangle
3. Call out other person’s enabling behavior 
4. Establish or reinforce boundaries as needed. 

Seek professional help 

The strategies for overcoming codependency described above may provide a beginning point, but understanding codependency in oneself isn’t always an easy task. Here a mental health professional can offer support by recognizing core codependency characteristics, overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, treating linked mental health symptoms such as guilt, worry, or sadness, and regaining your sense of self and establishing healthy boundaries.

Have a virtual coffee with me if you want to know more about how CBT can help you overcome codependency