Individuation: figuring out “Who am I?”

“Who am I?” Asked Sunita. No, Sunita was not suffering from amnesia, nor was she referring to a loss of memory but rather her identity as a person. Sunita had been my client for a few months now and had put in a lot of work in recovering from multiple mental traumas that she suffered while growing up. 

Even though most people do not explicitly ponder over the question “who am I?” they have a reasonably clear sense of self. But unfortunately, some who have suffered mental abuse/trauma fail to develop an individual identity. In turn, this can lead to many mental health issues and perpetuate a vicious cycle of unhealthy relationships.

In this article, we look at individuation and how to create or recreate a clearer sense of self. 

Understanding Individuation

In Human development, individuation refers to the process of developing a stable personality. Individuation occurs when a person develops a distinct sense of self separate from their parents and the people around them. Carl Jung frequently used the word “individuation” in his study on personality formation.

As teenagers and young adults, we struggle with “finding ourselves.” – the process of individuation. 

Then, in middle life, we frequently return to similar questions. Seeking self-awareness is both normal and necessary. To embrace ourselves and have a feeling of belonging, we must first comprehend who we are. A strong sense of self guides us through life and gives significance to our experiences. We feel “lost” without it. 

Signs of Individuation

Individuation happens throughout life, but it is crucial during the teen and tween – young adult years. Thus when you read about signs of individuation, they are primarily listed as those seen in younger people: 

• Seeking privacy
• Focusing more on themselves than others 
• Rebelling against the family or cultural norms
• Personalizing appearance

But like I mentioned before, individuation can happen throughout life. For example, adults may go through phases of changing how they portray themselves to the public. They may experiment with new trends as they did as teenagers, or they may make more significant changes, such as changing employment or relocating to a new place. 

Impact of poor Individuation

Individuation is necessary for building a healthy identity and healthy connections with others. A person who does not sufficiently individuate may lack a distinct sense of self and thus may feel uncomfortable pursuing goals that differ from the wishes of the family or significant others. Depression and anxiety may ensue. Difficulty individuating can also lead to increased reliance on others, problems in personal or professional relationships, poor decision-making abilities, and an overall sense of not understanding who you are or what you want out of life.

Troubled or toxic family relationships frequently lead, at least partially, to a halted or flawed individuation process. Relationships with both parents and siblings may influence individuation, and the seeds of future issues can be planted at any stage of development. Untreated mental health issues and environmental factors all have a negative influence on the individuation process. Thus once again, it creates a vicious cycle. 

Unsuccessful individuation does not necessarily imply the presence of a mental health disorder, but it may be a contributing factor to the development of depression, anxiety, stress, or self-doubt. When the individuation process is hampered, codependency characteristics may emerge. Many people dealing with borderline personality disorder have a history of unsuccessful individuation. 

Individuation is necessary for forming a healthy identity and for developing healthy relationships. Unfortunately, people who are unsure of what they want may seek partnerships with inappropriate boundaries and support. As a result, they may feel unable to follow their own interests and aspirations, preferring instead to do what others want them to do.

Individuals whose parents, siblings, and society provide support and encouragement during the individuation process are more likely to have a formed identity and sense of self and may be better equipped to make decisions and pursue objectives with less fear or self-doubt. 

How to figure out “Who am I?”

There are things you can do if you are battling with identity difficulties and feel like you don’t truly know who you are. Finding ways to understand yourself better and participating in activities that improve your sense of self can help to cultivate and deepen your individuality.

Discover more about yourself

If you don’t know who you are, spending some time getting to know yourself is a logical beneficial thing to do. One method to achieve this is to start thinking about what you like and what is important to you.

Journaling, expressive writing, or making lists of things that are important to you can all be beneficial and even therapeutic. Consider writing about topics you like, experiences you’ve had, or something you want to learn more about.

What are some of your favorite books? What kind of music do you enjoy? When were you the happiest? As you work on your diary, you may notice that particular themes or preferences emerge. Reflecting on these lists and notes will help you see and appreciate your uniqueness. 

OK! Let me do a better thing. Download these 26 journal prompts and write them in detail one at a time. 

Download 26 journal prompts

Determine Your Values

Knowing your core beliefs may be quite helpful in determining who you are. What are your most significant beliefs and values? These are the essential characteristics you believe are most influential in yourself and others.

Core values include traits such as honesty, dependability, and kindness. Once you’ve determined what you value, you may concentrate on living your life in accordance with your core values.

Experience solitude

While solitude is commonly confused with loneliness, spending time alone can have significant mental health advantages. Social pressure may make it difficult to determine what is essential to you, especially if you are surrounded by individuals who have strong personalities.

Taking alone time allows you to ponder, explore, and experiment with new thoughts and feelings.

Here are some things that you can do when you are alone

• Take yourself out for dinner
• Go to a movie alone
• Go for a hike
• Learn something new
• Visit a museum 
• Push your limits

Trust yourself

Another aspect of figuring out who you are is learning to trust yourself and your decisions. If you have low self-esteem, you may find it challenging to make decisions, big or little. It is critical to begin making decisions that represent you rather than the people around you to know better who you are.

One approach to learning to trust your decisions is to make them more frequently. Start simple by deciding what to prepare for dinner, informing your friends where you want to go, or choosing between different items when shopping. You’ll acquire a better sense of the sorts of things you like as time goes on. Maybe you can do better if you get some assertiveness training. 

Try mindfulness

Mindfulness is a practice that requires focusing on the present moment rather than the past or the future. Being present in the moment can be beneficial while dealing with distractions or societal pressures that cause you to doubt yourself.

Concentrating entirely on the present moment will help you become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs. 

As I have written at other places, you can start small and progress at your own pace. You can take the help of apps like Calm or Headspace if you wish.

Get Therapy

Therapy entails evaluating and finding things about yourself and your interactions with others; thus, therapy is beneficial for handling individuation issues. In addition, working with your therapist, you get a greater understanding of how family dynamics, personality traits, and other circumstances may have influenced your individuation.

You’ll be able to do the following in therapy:

• Learn to voice your emotions.
• Recognize negative thoughts
• Practice expressing your requirements and preferences.
• Develop abilities that will allow you to express your identity.

A mental health illness such as borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or schizophrenia can sometimes cause issues with your sense of self. You can acquire a diagnosis and proper therapy by getting help from a doctor or mental health professional.

Conclusion

Individuation is vital during development; nevertheless, it does not stop when people reach adulthood.

When you don’t know who you are, it can be tough to make the best choices for your life, whether creating goals or forming new connections. There are, fortunately, things you can do to get to know yourself better and develop a stronger sense of self.