Understanding the Gottman method of couples therapy.

Show me a person who says they have never fought with their spouse or partner, and I will show you a liar! 

Of course, every couple has conflicts and disagreements. Nonetheless, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman discovered that how couples engage with disagreement and the emotions they exhibit will eventually determine who remains together and who divorces. 

What is the Gottman Method?

The Gottman Method Couples Therapy aims to disarm antagonistic verbal communication, promote intimacy, respect, and affection, eliminate obstacles that produce a sense of stagnancy, and foster a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the framework of the partnership. The Gottman Method uses research-based interventions that are built upon the Sound Relationship House Metaphor. 

Research and foundation of the Gottman method

Dr. John Gottman and Dr. R.W. Levenson conducted studies on what is seen as going well within a successful relationship when it comes to conflict resolution. According to a 20-year longitudinal study, “69 percent of difficulties for couples are permanent and not totally resolvable due to personality differences.” These ongoing issues necessitate ongoing discourse centered on mutual acceptance.

Dr. Gottman investigated the question, “What makes for a satisfying marriage?” He observed that not all negatives are alike. Four conflict resolution styles were the most damaging and significant predictors of divorce and separation. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling were dubbed The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by Dr. Gottman. While most relationships will have some of them, good couples utilize them far less frequently and do more to fix them when they do.

The four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse

The New Testament’s Four Horsemen portray the end of the world. Likewise, the “Four Horsemen” metaphor represents communication techniques that portray the demise of a relationship.

Criticism is the first of the four horsemen. Offering a critique or raising a concern is not the same as criticizing. The former two are about particular problems, but the latter is a personal assault that uses blame, character assassination, and over-generalizations like ‘always,’ ‘never, “should,’ etc.

Contempt is the second horseman. While criticism assaults the partner’s character, contempt asserts moral superiority over the other. Mockery, sarcasm, and insults in both verbal and nonverbal styles are used to make the subject of contempt feel inferior and worthless. Contempt is driven by long-simmering unfavorable sentiments and has been shown to be the best predictor of divorce.

Defensiveness is the third horseman, and it is usually a defensiveness to criticism. Defensiveness is self-protection that occurs through counter-attacks, playing innocent victims, making explanations, etc. It does not allow for healthy conflict resolution since it sustains a state of contention.

Stonewalling is the fourth horseman’s answer to contempt. Stonewalling happens when the listener withdraws from the engagement and tunes out their companion. It involves evasion, pretending to be busy, or indulging in distractions rather than confronting the issue.

The antidotes to four horsemen 

The first step in effectively managing conflict is recognizing and counteracting The Four Horsemen when they appear in disagreement conversations. The Gottmans described their antidotes as a gentle start-up, accepting responsibility, expressing feelings and needs, and self-soothing.

Gentle Start-up: The antidote to criticism is to state the issue using gentle start-up. It entails communicating about sentiments using “I” statements and expressing precise demands constructively, without blaming.

Express Feelings and Needs: The antidote to contempt clearly expresses feelings and needs as respectful requests, thereby fostering appreciation and understanding.

Accepting Responsibility: Accepting responsibility is the antidote to defensiveness. Couples can avoid conflict escalation by taking responsibility for even a portion of the problem.

Self-Soothing: The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing, and the first step is to cease the conflict conversation and request a break. If not, a spouse may either bottle up their feelings or erupt, neither of which is helpful in conflict management.

These antidotes are administered using various techniques and are incorporated into the metaphor of a sound relationship house. 

The sound relationship house metaphor

Dr. Gottman introduced a sound relationship house metaphor to define what a secure relationship entails. The metaphor proposes seven “floors” through which a couple may go through to enhance their relationship. However, it also has two “weight-bearing walls” critical to keeping the couple together. Let us take a look at them.

1. Build love maps:

The first level of the Sound Relationship House is dedicated to couples getting to know one another’s inner psychological worlds. How well do you understand your partner’s inner psychological world, history, concerns, anxieties, pleasures, and hopes?

2. Share fondness and admiration:

On this level, couples learn to show their gratitude and respect for one another in order to deepen their relationship. This level focuses on the quantity of affection and respect in a relationship as an antidote to contempt.

3. Instead of turning away, turn toward:

This level entails recognizing when one’s partner is seeking attention, affection, or comfort and then reacting appropriately. Conversely, declare your requirements, be aware of connection bids, and respond to (turn towards) them. The modest moments of ordinary life are the foundations of long relationships.

4. The positive perspective:

With the presence of a good problem-solving attitude and the success of repair initiatives, This level teaches couples to perceive each other favorably, allowing them to see faults as a result of circumstance rather than personal failings.

5. Manage conflict:

On this level, couples learn how to manage conflict in three steps. First, couples consider each other’s feelings. Following that, partners learn to discuss their issues. Finally, when a partner becomes overwhelmed during a disagreement, they learn self-soothing ways to retain their calm. Remember that “manage” conflict is the preferred term rather than “resolve” conflict since the interpersonal dispute is normal and has functional, beneficial features. Understand the distinction between dealing with endless difficulties and dealing with solving problems.

6. Make life dreams come true:

The sixth level is all about supporting and advocating one’s partner’s dreams and goals. Create an environment that encourages you to be open and honest about your dreams, beliefs, convictions, and aspirations.

7. Creating shared meaning

The top-level is similar to the first floor in that it includes knowing an inner world, but this time it’s the couple’s inner world and involves unearthing rituals and tales that have shared meaning for them. The Gottmans describe it as creating a culture of symbols and traditions that express who you are together. It might be as basic as buying pizza from your favorite pizzeria every Friday night or as complex as the particular manner you commemorate birthdays. These Connection Rituals identify you as a group, and you construct them together.

The walls of trust and commitment:

The Sound Relationship House’s two weight-bearing walls assist couples as they progress through the seven levels. Trust allows the couple to feel like they’re a team and can rely on each other. That feeling of “my partner has my back.” Commitment means an agreement to stick together and improve through thick and thin of life’s journey.

Each floor of the Sound Relationship House signifies a chance for couples to learn new skills to enhance their relationship. Gottman therapists base their work with couples on this philosophy.

What can Gottman method help with?

The Gottman Method is intended to help couples from various socioeconomic, racial, sexual orientation, and cultural backgrounds. According to outcome research, Gottman Method Couples Therapy is beneficial for treating same-sex couples too.

Relationship concerns that could be addressed in therapy include:

• Conflict and disagreements occur frequently.
• Poor communication between the couple
• Emotionally distant couples on the brink of divorce
• Specific issues such as sexual difficulties, adultery, money, and parenting

Effectiveness

The Gottman Method has been shown in studies to be quite successful.

A randomized clinical trial followed couples for one year after completing either a one-day and two-day program or a workshop followed by nine Gottman Method couples therapy sessions. All were determined to be effective in the experiment. Although combining a two-day workshop with nine treatment sessions is the most beneficial choice, it also resulted in the least recurrence.

Similarly, research on the Gottman Method couples therapy discovered that it was a successful treatment for strengthening married couples’ relationships, compatibility, and intimacy after ten sessions.

What happens in therapy?

The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy begins with an assessment, which includes a shared session between the couple and the therapist. Next, couples fill out surveys before receiving thorough evaluations of their relationship. The therapist may also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup. This is the Gottmans Institute’s online couples assessment tool that automatically rates a relationship’s strengths and weaknesses and gives precise therapeutic recommendations. While this assessment tool contains the same list of questions for each couple, it provides treatment recommendations specific to a couple’s unique needs, so treatment is individualized.

Interventions are aimed to aid couples in three major areas: friendship, conflict management, and the building of shared meaning. Couples learn to mend previous hurts and replace negative conflict patterns with healthy interactions. Interventions that boost closeness and intimacy are used to strengthen friendships, develop emotional connections, and generate changes that benefit the couple’s shared goals. Prevention of relapse is also addressed.

The couple and the therapist decide how frequently and for how long the sessions are needed. 

Is it right for you?

One of the most important factors to consider before consulting a Gottman therapist is your willingness to improve your relationship. The Gottman Method can be demanding and intensive, and therapists want couples to apply the skills they acquire in therapy outside of sessions. As a result, people who are unwilling to focus on developing their relationship in this manner may miss out on the Gottman Method.

Furthermore, the Gottman Method is not suggested for couples who have experienced physical domestic abuse. Couples counseling can assist with many marital challenges, but it cannot reverse patterns of physical violence. Instead, a domestic violence expert, a shelter, or the police should handle this situation.

Conclusion

Gottman Method is a couple’s therapy method backed by the most extensive research till date.

Irrespective of what stage your relationship is at. It has the potential to benefit from Gottman Method. The simplest way to find out how you can benefit is to take the online Gottman Relationship Checkup, which costs just US$39 (to be paid directly to Gottman Connect). Being trained in the Gottman Method, I would be happy to facilitate your test if you wish to take it. So let us talk more over a virtual coffee about it.