Understanding and overcoming “Fear of Success” using CBT

Most people have a fear of failure but do you know the fear of success is also common? Yes, you read it correctly – fear of success – holds back many from achieving their full potential. If you are reading this, you probably have felt it but never expressed it. After all, success is supposed to be the goal. Success is what we live for. Success is awesome!

Of all the hardships we face in life, being afraid of success can feel strange, even stressful and shameful. More so, as we live in a society that glorifies success. 

It’s most likely not success itself that you’re afraid of, but the consequence of success. Often it’s the behind-the-scenes maneuverings of your thought process that get in the way of your success.

Please continue reading to understand more about fear of success, where it comes from, and how to overcome it.

What is fear of success, how does it manifest?

Fear of success occurs when you have a persistent fear of succeeding, to the point where you may be unconsciously self-sabotaging.

It’s not that you don’t believe you can succeed. It’s more about your fear of change and whether or not you’re ready for that change. The distorted irrational thoughts which usually are seen with fear of success are like 

• What if success changes you for not better, you get an inflated ego, become unkind – Fear of losing self
• What if you attract more attention, but you’re bashful or introverted and don’t like being in the spotlight.
• What if success in the public eye leads to social or emotional isolation.
• What if your accomplishments alienate your peers.
• What if you are perceived as boastful or self-promotional.
• What if you fail or get thrown off the pedestal you didn’t want to be on, to begin with.
• What if success isn’t all it’s currently believed to be.

Fear of failure becomes fear of success for those who never try anything new. 

— Wayne Dyer

This quote by Wayne Dyer succinctly explains why it is easy to confuse fear of failure with fear of success. Yes, both prevent you from reaching your goals and fullest potential, but there is a difference. Fear of failure is more about self-deprecation and beating yourself up about failing. In contrast, fear of success is about the apprehension of how others will react to your success and the consequences thereof.

When you fear success, it can show up as 

• Low goals, not trying new things
• Procrastination
• Perfectionism 
• Even substance abuse 

The unhealthy negative emotions associated are usually guilt, shame, or anxiety. However, it can also be a combination of three. Synonyms for fear of success are “Success anxiety,” “success phobia,” but I continue to use the much more understood “fear of success.” 

Why do we develop a fear of success? 

CBT doesn’t dwell on the past, but that doesn’t mean we are not concerned with the past or consider it irrelevant. Yes, knowing the past gives a better understanding of why you are thinking about a current situation in a particular manner. Still, the emphasis from a CBT practitioner will always be that the past continues to affect you because of the way you are thinking about the past currently. Also, if the client is uncomfortable talking about the past, a CBT practitioner can avoid doing so and still be just as effective.

A few ways that you might have developed a fear of success are

Childhood conditioning

Childhood experiences stay with us for the rest of our lives, even if we aren’t always conscious of it. If you were ridiculed for your achievement or chastised for flaunting it as a child, it most likely took the wind out of your sails. As a result, you learned to dodge success rather than confront it. As a result, childhood trauma can be the foundation for fear of success throughout adulthood.

Backlash avoidance

When traditional gender norms contribute to a fear of success, researchers refer to this as “backlash avoidance.” In many societies, men are praised for their achievements. In contrast, women who do the same thing are socially stigmatized. Women are encouraged to be modest and conform to gender conventions rather than appear self-promoted or aggressive. Some women are afraid that success may result in attacks on their femininity or labeling them as unlikable and undeserving. Thus they develop a fear of success. 

Concomitant to other mental health conditions 

Fear of success is not necessarily associated with any particular mental disorder but is often concurrent with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and PTSD.

Whatever causes a fear of success in the first place, most people end up unknowingly reinforcing and strengthening that fear by avoiding it. It is natural to try and avoid unpleasant, threatening things, but avoidance maintains (and exacerbates) a fear of success. A client, for example, chose a lower-paying job, rejected promotions to “avoid stress.” Unfortunately, he was denied the opportunity to learn that success does not always result in awful things happening. Now he has two problems, less money and continued fear of success.

Whatever the reason or origin, fear of success can be overcome. The rest of the posts will outline ways to help yourself. 

Self-help for overcoming fear of success

Start with honest acknowledgment and acceptance. 

You have probably taken the first step towards acknowledgment if you are reading this. Most people who suffer from success anxiety feel a great deal of guilt and shame about it. This makes it difficult for them to discuss it, ask for help, or even begin to look at it objectively. However, being honest about your difficulties is the first step toward overcoming them. And frequently, validating and acknowledging the pain is still the best way to summon the courage to do so. Acceptance doesn’t mean surrender! Acceptance simply is admitting to your current reality. It can often help to explore the origins of your fear, but it is not a must. Writing about your fear, when it happens, what it feels like, what the triggers are is another way to validate your fear of success. Remember to be self-compassionate and don’t beat yourself up when you write.

Uncover your avoidance patterns

All irrational fears are sustained and reinforced by avoidance techniques, which comprise thought and behavioral patterns that communicate that we are fearful to our brain. While avoiding things that frighten us feels good in the short term, we are training our brains to be afraid of something not really dangerous. This is how all anxieties operate, and fear of success is no exception.

Uncovering our avoidance pattern thus becomes a very good first step to overcome the fear of success. After all, unless we know what we need to change, we won’t be able to change it. As mentioned previously, there are two components to avoidance patterns. 

1. A thought which is not true or which makes us uncomfortable

2. Followed by action or behavior which we do to avoid being successful 

Start paying attention to your thoughts and behaviors and journal the situations where you avoided success along with the thoughts that prompted the avoidance

Some of the example examples of avoidance patterns could be 

• If you are afraid of success at work, you may avoid taking on large tasks or projects. You may even reject promotions.
• Shying away from compliments or praise, either altogether avoiding such occasions or immediately shifting the subject back to the other person.
• You may unconsciously sabotage yourself to avoid being recognized or promoted by arriving late or doing lousy work.
• Choosing to associate with people that you know will not challenge or push you to do better or improve.
• Change your thinking to change your behavior.

Of course, you will have your unique situations, but a week or two of documenting them would give you a good idea of where you want to start the change.

Learn distress tolerance

Because fear of failure can lead to avoidance behaviors, an approach to dealing with this fear is strengthening your discomfort tolerance skills. When you sense uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions, work on progressively learning to sit with them rather than running away from them.

Based on your list of avoidance patterns, pick one situation/task you avoid. Pick a smaller one rather than the most difficult one. This is like training for a marathon. Slow, consistent efforts give the best results.

Give a rating to your level of anxiety or fear you would feel when you actually do the task. 

Approach that modest fear as many times as you can, recording your level of anxiety/discomfort each time.

You will discover that your dread and discomfort become easier to manage over time. You may also find that the root of your fear was not as challenging or terrible as you anticipated.

I have an online course on distress tolerance that you should look at if the above simple way does not work.

Re-frame your thoughts about success

This step may happen automatically for you when you start being more and more tolerant of the distress, but at times you might need to question your thoughts about why you have a fear of success. There are three types of questions you can ask about your thoughts

• Are they logical
• Do facts support them
• Are they helping me

These types of questions are called Socratic Questions in CBT and psychology circles. Doing this by actually writing them is often more helpful than trying to figure it all out in your head.

Some general lifestyle changes that help (when added to above)

Bad lifestyle habits are ubiquitous contributors to deteriorating mental health and stress. Some lifestyle changes that can contribute to better outcomes are

Learn to say “No” more often (Check out my free ebook “Six ways of saying NO”)

Eat well and avoid junk food

Exercise, even thrice a week, helps

Schedule time for relaxation

Socialize more 

Help others 

Get professional help

Overwhelmed and unable to get control? Consider contacting a good CBT therapist who specializes in anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is beneficial. I offer 1:1 CBT sessions at a very affordable price. Feel free to reach out.

Conclusion

Fear of success can make it harder to accomplish your goals and harm your self-esteem and overall well-being. There are, fortunately, things you can do to conquer this anxiety. To summarise

• Acknowledge and accept
• Uncover avoidance patterns
• Learn distress tolerance
• Re-frame thoughts
• Seek professional help

Still, got questions? Join me for a virtual coffee, 20 minutes, face to face on Zoom, and we will talk.