Unconditional Self acceptance: Separating who you are from what you do

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” said Eleanor Roosevelt, the former American diplomat, activist, and first lady. However, the problem is that we give consent much too quickly and much too often, resulting in low self-esteem. This short post discusses one of the ways to escape the trap of low self-esteem by clarifying the boundary between yourself and your work. The topic of unconditional self acceptance is relatively vast. Still, this post will give you a strong start on why it is a sound choice both practically and philosophically to practice unconditional self acceptance. 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Why is self-esteem a problem?

Everyone has goals, purposes, and values. Pursuing these provides a sense of success, fulfillment, and personal significance. So far, so good. Then we proceed to take it a step further and base our identity and, in turn, our worth on what we do, what we produce, and what we earn. We rate ourselves as good or bad and accept ourselves as a person based on what we do. In other words, we base our self-esteem on our productivity or rather the condition that I am worthy only if I produce something, a thing, or anything – rating and labeling our entire being based on our performances.

Thus, from the above, we can infer that self-esteem is, in fact, conditional self-acceptance.

Why is this a problem? 

The satisfaction of doing doesn’t last for long.

Work and goals are a forever growing list; combine this with our tendency to quickly return to a baseline state of happiness despite major events or life changes. This process is known as the hedonistic treadmill. It is a mechanism that reduces the impact of emotional events. The process involves cognitive changes, such as shifting values, goals, attention, and interpretation of a situation, along with neurochemical desensitization.

While this is beneficial for us in adverse emotional events like losing a loved one or not getting that coveted promotion, it also works when we experience a high degree of happiness or satisfaction. Buying that car, winning a lottery, achieving that promotion all make you happy, but sooner or later, that level of happiness returns to a lower level. 

It prevents you from participating in your life.

When I get overly focused on productivity and achievement, the first thing that falls away is my capacity to connect on a heart level with my wife and son, neighbors, and friends. The to-do list feels too big and overwhelming, and pausing long enough to live in the moment seems like a luxury I can’t afford. Over a period of time, if unchecked, it can lead to burnout. It is helpful to remember that your performance is part of you, but certainly not all of you. The modern philosopher Alfred Korzybski puts it as – You are not your behavior.

You are not your behaviour

Alfred Korzybski

Lapses in your work can lead to guilt, shame, and… 

If we equate what we do with who we are, then whenever we slip up or make a mistake or have lapses in our work (forced or otherwise), it can trigger dysfunctional and unhealthy negative emotions. If we assess our worth based on goal attainment or ranking, we will experience emotional distress in the form of guilt, depression, or shame when we fail at our goal or purpose or when someone performs better than we do. We will also be anxious before performing since our pride is at stake. We may fail, and we identify ourselves as failures if we do.

Your self-worth can never be calculated accurately.

All criteria for evaluating a person’s human worth are arbitrary. There is no commonly agreed metric for determining a person’s worth. As a result, anyone who claims to have higher human value based on holding some attribute, characteristic, ability, or accomplishment is making a logical error. Yes, we have different abilities, skills, and achievements. Some of us are fortunate to have highly valued abilities in society today. However, there is no reason to conclude that one is more valuable as a person merely because they can do some things better than others. As Alfred Adler noted, you recognize your superior skill – good! – and see yourself as a superior person – not so good!

Why is Unconditional Self Acceptance helpful?

Think pragmatically: we will never attain all of our objectives. We will make mistakes. No matter how amazing the accomplishment, someone else will outshine our best efforts sooner or later. We will all fail. No matter how brilliant we are, someone else will outperform us. 

Our pride would not be at risk if we accepted ourselves unconditionally while pursuing our valued objectives and purposes. Failure would be sad and upsetting, but never depressing or humiliating. We would be focused on doing well before we set out to perform, but we would not be anxious about how it will affect our self-worth. We would pursue cherished goals for personal reasons rather than proving our worth to family, friends, or society. Our egos would not be jeopardized.

Unconditional Self Acceptance is not irresponsible

Unconditional Self Acceptance does not imply renouncing responsibility. On the contrary, we are responsible for what we do. If we wish to receive rewards while avoiding punishments, we will do well to obey societal laws and ethics. If we want to be loved by others, we must treat them with respect. Thus it is beneficial to evaluate what we do, reflect on it, and seek to improve our performances based on our assessment of how we may have done things better. These focused assessments are helpful to us because this is how we learn. However, Unconditional Self Acceptance urges you to focus on achieving better results rather than rating your essence. You want to do better simply because it will improve your experience of life.

More money, a smaller waistline, more victories, fewer defeats, greater height, higher exam scores, a better lifestyle, stronger muscles, and thicker hair are all acceptable goals to strive towards. Nonetheless, recognize that achieving or failing to attain these goals has no bearing on our personal worth. None of these are realistic ways of evaluating ourselves or others. We are not our goals. We are too complex to be rated using a single achievement or a combination of a few achievements and attributes. Instead, we can avoid a great deal of self-inflected emotional pain if we unconditionally accept ourselves and rate only what we do. We can then do what we want to lead our lives according to our meaningful goals, values, and purposes rather than proving ourselves or our worth as a person. 

So work hard towards your goals, be mindful of your values, and know that your worth is inherent and incalculable. 

You accept that, as a fallible human being, you are less than perfect. You will often perform well, but you will also err at times… You always and unconditionally accept yourself without judgment

Russell Grieger

Conclusion

Think again, at the end of life, what would you be happier about? That you lived a life that was meaningful to you OR that you proved your worth… 

Most people live according to the formula 

What I do + How well I do = Who I am 

With unconditional self acceptance, you can shift this to 

Who I am + How I am = What I do

Yes, this is too short a post on unconditional self acceptance. However, if you are a member of Achology, watch out for my masterclass on Learning Unconditional Self Acceptance. If you are not a member but still want to talk about it – have a virtual coffee with me.