A practical guide to setting boundaries in relationships

Relationships are a source of both joy and pain. Relationships are about connecting with others. They are a means to achieve specific goals. 

At the same time, we live in a society that celebrates freedom, independence, and individuality. If you think about it, all those things require boundaries. Unfortunately, boundaries are not always easy to establish. This article explains why boundaries matter in any relationship and offers practical steps to setting and maintaining them. This article is a follow-up to my previous one on Enmeshment and Enmeshment Trauma.

Understanding personal boundaries 

Boundaries, contrary to popular perception, are an opportunity to connect. Maintaining clear expectations and restrictions in your relationships allows others to connect with you comfortably for you. Boundaries release us from the constraints of people-pleasing and will enable us to be our true selves. Setting boundaries and enforcing them is an act of self-care. We are less angry and resentful when we create boundaries because our needs are addressed. Setting boundaries define our expectations so that others understand what to expect from us and how we want to be treated. Boundaries are the building blocks of strong, loving relationships. 

Before we go about creating boundaries, let us get a clear idea of what boundaries are. 

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the standards and restrictions that form a defined perimeter around your sense of self. They keep your physical space, emotions, wants, and obligations separate from those of others. Boundaries, in essence, offer a container inside which you may live safely and freely.

Healthy boundaries help to define one’s identity. Healthy boundaries, in particular, help people establish their identity and signal what they will and will not hold themselves accountable for.

What are the various types of boundaries?

While there is considerable overlap in the type of boundaries, it is good to know about them so that we can be explicit in constructing our boundaries in various areas of our life. 

Physical boundaries: Personal space and physical contact are examples of physical boundaries. Healthy physical boundaries involve understanding what is and is not appropriate in certain places and types of interactions (hug, shake hands, or kiss?). If someone touches you when you don’t want them to or invades your personal space, your physical boundaries are breached (for example, rummaging through your bedroom).

Intellectual boundaries: Thoughts and ideas are referred to as intellectual boundaries. Respect for others’ opinions and an understanding of appropriate discussion topics (What can we talk about? religion, the weather, or politics? ) are examples of healthy intellectual boundaries. Intellectual boundaries are breached when someone ignores or belittles another person’s thoughts or ideas.

Emotional boundaries: These are the boundaries around the feelings and sentiments of a person. Limits on when to disclose and when not to reveal personal information are examples of healthy emotional boundaries. For example, rather than disclosing everything to everyone, gradually divulging personal details throughout the growth of a relationship. Emotional boundaries are crossed when someone criticizes, dismisses, or invalidates the emotions and sentiments of another person.

Sexual boundaries: Boundaries around the emotional, intellectual, and physical elements of sexuality are referred to as sexual boundaries.

Healthy sexual boundaries entail mutual awareness and respect for one other’s limitations and wants about sex. Unwanted sexual touch, pressure to engage in sexual behaviors, leering, or sexual remarks are all examples of breaching sexual boundaries.

Material Boundaries: Boundaries around Money and possessions are examples of material boundaries. Setting boundaries on what you will share and with whom is part of maintaining healthy material boundaries. For example, lending a car to a family member may be fine, but not to someone you met this morning. Likewise, when someone takes or destroys another person’s things, or when they urge them to surrender or lend them their goods, material boundaries are crossed.

Time boundaries: These describe how people spend their time. To have appropriate time boundaries, a person must set aside adequate time for each aspect of their life, such as their job, relationships, and hobbies. When one person demands too much of another’s time, time boundaries are breached.

Why can it be hard for someone to set boundaries? 

It goes without saying that no one wants their boundaries to be crossed. So why do we allow it to happen? Why aren’t our boundaries created, enforced, or maintained?

Those with poor boundaries often fall into two categories: those who assume excessive responsibility for the emotions/actions of others and then those who expect others to take excessive responsibility for their own emotions/actions. 

There are several reasons people struggle to create boundaries. Those who were raised in homes with addiction or abuse may have learned to suppress their needs to be safe. Those who come from a narcissistic family are not only not taught boundaries but are actively pushed to take abuse from others and feel it is OK. Those who have been subjected to repeated physical, mental, or sexual trauma may have internalized the belief that they have no control over their external environment, a condition known as learned helplessness. To a large extent, not being able to set boundaries is driven by fear.

• Fear of rejection
• Fear of abandonment
• Fear of confrontation 
• Feelings of guilt and shame
• We were not taught how to set and maintain appropriate limits
• Security Issues
• Boundaries may be socially unacceptable in some parts of the world

If you identify with any of the following statements, you may be finding it difficult to set boundaries with others:

• In my relationships, I feel like I give more than I receive.
• I overcommit to responsibilities.
• I am too hard on myself.
• I am weighed down by resentments toward others.
• Others seem to constantly test/breach my boundaries.

But all is not lost. Setting boundaries is a skill, and you can learn how to set boundaries.

How to go about setting boundaries?

Here are ten steps to setting boundaries that are reasonable, strong, and can be maintained.

1. Define your boundary clearly.

Make it very clear to yourself what the boundary is that you must establish. For example, do you want your mother to cease contacting you altogether, or maybe she can phone you under exceptional circumstances? You will not be able to explain your expectations if you are not clear. An indecisive boundary is ineffective. Before taking action, spend some time determining what you desire.

2. Evaluate why you require the boundary.

This is your reason for establishing the boundary. Why would you create a boundary that is outside of your comfort zone if you don’t have a compelling reason? 

Use your emotions signposts for creating a boundary. For example, feelings of bitterness, resentment, or anger may indicate that you need to place a boundary. On the other hand, comfort and happiness may suggest that you can perhaps relax a boundary. Only by being connected with your own emotions will you be able to follow the path they indicate. The point to remember is that boundaries about self-care are dynamic rather than rigid. 

3. Be direct, open, and honest.

Don’t be cryptic or purposely unclear in the hope of sparing someone’s feelings or avoiding a fight. Being direct is the most successful and kind way. Say exactly what you mean, and mean exactly what you say. If need be, draft what you want to say beforehand. You can consider using I statements.

Example: Ashish, I feel overwhelmed when you repeatedly text me because I don’t have the time or space for this relationship right now. I need more space.

4. Don’t apologize or provide lengthy explanations.

Apologizing and over explanations weaken your authority and create the idea that you are doing something wrong that needs an explanation or justification.

5. Maintain a pleasant and calm demeanor.

Keep your emotions in check. Do not attempt to establish boundaries during an argument. You want your message to be understood. Yelling, sarcasm, and condescending tone put others on guard and divert attention away from the genuine issues.

6. Offer a viable alternative.

Do you want to double the effectiveness of your boundary? Combine the behaviors you want to limit with a list of behaviors you want to increase. Your boundary can then serve as a guideline for future beneficial relationships. These can also be incorporated into the I statements. For example, I feel upset when you take my car without asking because I often need to go out on short notice. Therefore, I need you to ask me before taking my car. The alternatives can also be simply stated: I don’t like drinking on first dates; let us go for a walk on the beach instead.

7. Address boundary breaches right away.

Smaller issues are always easier to handle. Don’t wait until someone has crossed your boundary a dozen times before speaking out. It’s unfair to presume that people understand your boundaries the first time you explain them. Also, be consistent. It’s also not fair to change the rules suddenly and inform your friend that you’re no longer going to pay her rent after doing so cheerfully for the last three months (Use a viable alternative in this case – a sharing arrangement, maybe.) 

8. Don’t attack the person.

Setting boundaries is not a personal attack on the other person, though they may perceive it like that in many cases. Thus, you mustn’t do it. Recognizing your resentments about the relationship before you set about setting boundaries can be very helpful in not making your boundary-setting conversation sound like a personal attack. Address specific behaviors rather than labeling a person.

9. Garner some support

Setting boundaries is a difficult emotional exercise. It can have an adverse effect on your mind and soul. Appoint someone you trust as your cheerleader, who will applaud your victories and reflect your righteousness and bravery. You can call on your cheerleader before you have this conversation, or can help you with your own emotions after you have set the boundary. Your support could come from a friend, partner, therapist, coach, or member of an online community. You are not alone.

10. Make the most of this learning opportunity.

It might be powerful to utilize your discovered insights as fuel for learning and growth when you’ve fully processed your boundary-setting experience.

Individuals who struggle to create boundaries frequently struggle to respond to the boundaries of others. When people set boundaries with you, you may feel rejected or harmed, even if they do it to protect themselves. However, your ability to authentically express yourself will become stronger with time. Conversations that were previously painful will become spontaneous, flowing, and honest.

What to do when setting boundaries doesn’t work?

Setting boundaries is not an event but a process, and dealing with boundary violators is not simple either. Then there is the fact that we cannot force others to respect our boundaries, but we can control how we respond when boundaries are breached. The following suggestions will assist you in determining the best method to deal with persistent boundary violators.

Determine whether or not this boundary is negotiable.

Some boundaries are more vital than others. Identifying what you are prepared to tolerate and what you deem unbearable or non-negotiable can help you decide whether or not you are willing to compromise. On the other hand, you will find it very difficult to navigate the world if all your boundaries are very rigid or very porous. Aim to strike a balance after weighing the pros and cons.

Keep a journal of boundary violations. 

Having a record of violations and your responses may sound petty, but it is petty only if you act upon it in a petty manner. I ask my clients to use their journals as databases that provide building blocks for future interactions. Consistency is the key while setting boundaries. Keeping a journal can help you spot weaknesses in your plan. 

Some people, despite your best efforts, will not respect your boundaries.

Sad but true. You can’t win them all. You can do your best to influence a change, but the fact is that we cannot change their behavior. The change has to come from the other person. This is the time you will need to re-evaluate your relationship. Do you want to accept it, or do you want to disengage? You can practice compassionate detachment and not try to change the situation but change yourself. Stop associating with toxic individuals who don’t appreciate you is sometimes the only option to protect yourself. It is not intended to punish or manipulate others; instead, it is self-care. If someone is physically or emotionally abusing you, you owe it to yourself to establish some distance between you and that person.

Seek professional help

Finally, it can be beneficial to have external help while setting boundaries with a loved one. Therapy, specifically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), can be very beneficial. I am a CBT practitioner who often works with clients having anxiety and self-esteem problems. Helping clients with setting boundaries is something I do regularly. Get in touch if you want to discuss more – we will have a virtual coffee together. 

Worksheets

The following three worksheets from the TherapistAid website will help you continue your journey of setting boundaries in relationships, should you choose to go the self-help way.

What are personal boundaries?
Boundary Exploration
Setting boundaries

Conclusion

Many people find setting boundaries difficult, but it is a skill that can be learned. It is also a dynamic, ongoing process. Setting boundaries is an invitation to connect and have more balanced relationships.