I statements – The Secret of Dealing with Difficult Conversations

You may not have heard of I-statements but have you ever had a conversation with someone, and you just knew it wasn’t going to go well? No matter how hard you tried to think of what to say, you couldn’t come up with anything that would not make the situation worse?  A strong relationship builds upon effective communication. The words you share are really important. However, how you express those words may be more crucial than the words themselves.

This post deals with I Statements that will get you the conversation you want 

With I statements, you’ll be able to use the power of positive, non-defensive, non-aggressive language to improve your relationships with everyone around you and you. 

What are I statements?

In interpersonal communication, an I-statement is an assertion about the feelings, beliefs, values, etc. of the person speaking, generally expressed as a sentence beginning with the word “I” and is contrasted with a you-statement, which often starts with the word “you” and focuses on the person spoken to. – Wikipedia. 

As with most definitions on Wikipedia, this is accurate, but it takes a while to wrap your head around it. Is there a better, more easily understood way to describe I statements? I came up with this – An I-statement is a way of speaking about a problem or conflict that focuses on the speaker’s sentiments, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs rather than what the speaker thinks about or attributes to the listener. The I-statements generally begin with “I” but not every statement with an “I” is an I-statement.

The goal of an I-statement in a conflict is to

• Avoid using you-statements that lead to escalated conflicts
• Respond in a way that de-escalates conflicts
• Identify feelings/emotions
• Identify specific behaviors causing the conflict

I-statement isn’t:

• About being polite, or nice or soft – it is about being clear
• It is not the resolution or a fix, only a conversation opener

Origins of I Statements

Thomas Gordon was an American clinical psychologist and a colleague of Carl Rogers. He is widely recognized as a pioneer in teaching conflict resolution. He developed the concept of I-statement; though they were called I-messages, I now prefer to use I-statement to keep it distinct from the popular messaging service from Apple. The model he developed is the Gordon Method and has I-statements, active listening, and no-lose conflict resolution. Gordon Method is a complete integrated system for building and maintaining effective relationships. 

When and where to use I statements?

I-statements are frequently used to be assertive while avoiding accusations, which puts the listener on the defensive. They are also used to assume responsibility for one’s feelings rather than claiming that they are the result of someone else’s actions. So, say, “I’m really getting behind on my job since I don’t have the financial report yet!” instead of saying, “you didn’t finish the financial report on time!” (This is an example of a “you-statement.”)

Mental health practitioners frequently advise persons in therapy to employ “I” statements. This technique is especially common in marital counseling, where couples can easily become locked in a potentially vicious cycle of continual blame without ever addressing the underlying emotional or attachment issues that may be causing conflict. Couples who use “I” statements may be able to work through their differences in a way that allows them to express their thoughts and feelings to each other without assigning blame and putting further strain on the relationship. The same is valid for family counseling. 

I-statements can also be utilized in constructive criticism at the workplace. For example, rather than saying, “This portion is phrased in a highly confusing way,” or “You need to learn how to word a paper more simply,” one can remark, “I had to read that piece of your paper three times before I got it.” Thus, I-statements are dispute resolution conversation openers that express your point of view without using aggressive language. 

When to use it?

• When we need to confront people about their conduct;
• when we believe others are mistreating us;
• when we are defensive or furious; and
• when others are unhappy with us

Constructing an I statement

You may think by now that OK, I got this! In all probability, you do. However, some templates can be helpful to keep you focussed and on the right track. Additionally, I-statements can be constructed from two, three, or four-part models even though the underlying rationale and approach is the same. 

The simplest form is a single two-part I-statement:

1. When you… (objective event; 1st event) 
2. I feel… (subjective feeling; 2nd event)

Note that the two-part statement does not start with “I” and thus, you have to be extra careful in framing the “when you…” part. This is very important that the “when you” part is based on an objective event and avoids interpretations of intent. For example, “When you said my birthday was in the wrong month, I felt hurt” is preferred over, “When you act like you don’t care about me and my birthday…” This allows persons discussing to focus on events and feelings as independent events, allowing them to communicate their sentiments more clearly while also clarifying the initial incident and reaching an agreement.

Using words like “I feel that…” or “I like that…”, which often indicate an opinion or judgment, such as “I feel that you don’t care” or “I feel that you don’t do your fair share of the work,” is a common error in I-statement formulation. It is preferable to follow “I feel…” with an emotion such as “sad,” “angry,” “hurt’ and so on. As a thumb rule, remember all negative emotions are one word. If you are using more than a word, you probably express your opinion or judgment.

It would be best to remember this about using “When you…” and “I feel…” irrespective of which model you are using for your I-statement. Do not pollute your I statements with you statements.

Three-part model of I-statement

1. I feel… (Insert feeling word)
2. when… (tell what caused the feeling).
3. I would like… (tell what you want to happen instead)

So saying, “I feel frustrated when I come home and the house is messy, I would like it to be less messy” is more likely to work than “You always leave your mess lying everywhere.”

This three-part model is by the University of Tennessee Family & Consumer Sciences. 

Four-part I-statement model

1. “I feel ___ (taking responsibility for one’s feelings)
2. “when__” (stating the behavior that is a problem)
3. “because____” (what it is about the behavior or its consequences that one objects to)
4. “I would like / Can we work this out together?” (be open to working on the problem together).

The Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management proposed this model. This model is the most elaborate and explicit of the I-statements. It expresses the feelings of the speaker, identifies the unwanted behavior, specifies what part or what consequences of the behavior are undesirable, and then indicates an alternate with a willingness to work together. Let us see a few examples.

 A mother wants her daughter to stop calling her rude names:

You-statement: You call me that again, and you will be grounded forever

I-statement: I feel hurt when you call me rude names because it is disrespectful. I am more likely to listen to you if you stop that.

You are angry with your brother for borrowing your favorite jacket and getting stains on it.

You-statement: You ruined my jacket, will you ever grow up?!

I-statement: I am angry that my jacket was ruined because I can’t afford a new one. I really appreciate it when my things are taken care of.

Your wife doesn’t text you when she is late

You statement: You are careless!

I statement: I get anxious when it gets late, and I don’t hear from you because I worry about your safety. A quick text would really help me be less anxious.

Practices makes permanent

It takes time, effort, and repetition to model a new style of communicating. If you’re having trouble remembering to utilize ‘I’ statements in the middle of a heated debate, try one of the following:

Take a break – call a timeout and let the other person know when you can resume.

Use the templates provided to create a well-formed I-statement

Practice in front of the mirror till you are sure of the words

It may feel silly to practice at first. Try infusing some self-deprecating humor. Letting your partner know that you are trying to improve things also works. Practice, practice, and practice.

Download the worksheet

I have created a worksheet that you can download and print to help you practice your I statements

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-IlnAtr8Hy8XiCwfXorH9iDFTUuxMh28/view?usp=sharing

Conclusion  

Effective communication is the key to better conflict outcomes. Partners who stay together don’t have any fewer conflicts; they know how to communicate about them better. If need be, take the help of a professional. I offer sessions for couples using the Gottman Method. If you want to know more, have a virtual coffee with me, it is 1 to 1 over zoom and free.  

References:
American Psychological Association. (2009). APA concise dictionary of psychology. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association
Winters, K. (2003). Family Therapy. In Treatment of adolescents with substance use disorders. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message