How To Deal With Toxic Positivity?

You’ll get over it! Don’t be so negative. Think happy thoughts! It could be worse. Failure is not an option. Positive vibes only. We have all heard these, and such words are generally well-intentioned—people often don’t know what else to say or how to express empathy. Nonetheless, it is critical to note that these reactions might be damaging. 

This article deals with toxic positivity, what it is, why it is harmful, how to deal with it and what is the alternative.

What is toxic positivity? 

Let us be clear: not all positivity is bad, which is why it is essential to recognize toxic positivity. 

Toxic positivity is the idea that you should have a positive attitude no matter how dire or tough their circumstances are. It’s an “only positive vibes” way of life. While being an optimist and indulging in positive thinking has advantages, toxic positivity rejects uncomfortable or negative emotions in favor of a happy, often falsely optimistic, exterior.

We know that having a positive view of life benefits one’s mental health. The issue is that life isn’t always bright and sunny. We are affected by painful emotions and experiences. While these feelings are frequently unpleasant, they are vital and must be acknowledged and dealt with directly and truthfully.

Toxic positivity pushes positive thinking to a reductionist extreme. This mindset emphasizes the necessity of optimism and suppresses and rejects any trace of human emotions that aren’t entirely pleasant or positive. This is where a large part of the problem lies. 

But why is toxic positivity bad? 

Toxic positivity denies people the support they require to cope with their unfortunate circumstances. People’s real emotions are discounted, disregarded, or openly negated, rather than being able to communicate them and get support.

What is the impact of toxic positivity on your relationships?

Given that many of us don’t know how to communicate about sad or difficult things, and we are human and prone to make mistakes, it is crucial to consider how you respond to someone’s attempts to confide in you.

Shutting someone down, intentionally or unintentionally, while attempting to discuss something tough with you causes a disconnect. You cannot bond with someone if you are reluctant to share their anguish, unhappiness, or anger. 

When someone is in pain, they need their feelings to be validated, to find comfort with their friends and family. Toxic positivity tells that their emotions are wrong. Toxic positivity is shaming.

Toxic positivity drums up the idea that if you don’t find a way to be optimistic amid tragedy, you’re doing something wrong. Thus toxic positivity causes guilt.

It can also misrepresent you to others, making you appear difficult to connect with or even a little phony. Yes, optimism in facing challenges can help, but people around you can do without being repeatedly told or, worse, being judged for not being positive. 

What is the impact of toxic positivity on you?

Toxic positivity may not always be a response to someone else’s misery but our own.

It’s natural and even, at times, logical to avoid dealing with negative emotions. However, imposing a positive view on oneself when your feelings are the contrary can be detrimental to your mental health.

According to research, people who suppress their own negative emotions end up feeling worse later on. So essentially, if you continue to ghost your emotions, they will continue to haunt you until you ultimately deal with them.

So yes, toxic positivity is an avoidance mechanism. It helps us avoid painful feelings but also prevents us from confronting difficult emotions, which may lead to growth and greater insight.

Are you toxicly positive?

The signs of toxic positivity can be subtle, or you can be blind to your toxic positivity, but learning to recognize the signs can assist you in better identifying this sort of action. The signs of toxic positivity can be subtle, or you can be blind to your toxic positivity, but learning to recognize the signs can assist you in better identifying this sort of action.

Among the warning indicators are:

• Avoiding problems instead of confronting them
• Feeling guilty because you are unhappy, angry, or dissatisfied
• Hide your genuine emotions under feel-good statements that appear more socially acceptable
• Hiding or masking your true feelings
• You minimize other people’s feelings because they are uncomfortable for you.
• Shaming others when they lack a positive attitude
• Attempting to be stoic or “get over” complicated feelings

Asserting yourself in the face of toxic positivity

Dealing with toxic positivity begins with becoming conscious of your relationship with others and how you may be unintentionally contributing to its spread. However, being on the receiving end and responding to toxic positivity may be more challenging. Telling people what they’re doing is not right is often the most challenging aspect of a relationship. 

In this case, assertiveness is the skill you need to learn; yes, it will take some practice. Here are some tips for asserting yourself if you are at the receiving end of toxic positivity. 

Interrupt the talk: If you see you’re being invalidated and can tell the person is ignoring your genuine feelings or trying to address your problem to solve their problem (discomfort with specific sentiments). Interrupt the talk to pause the conversation. Let the person know what you’d prefer from them.

Share your expectations: Sharing your expectations and wishes ahead of time is one approach to obtaining affirmation or feeling better understood by a dialogue. Become familiar with using phrases like “I simply want to rant, I don’t need advice,” “would you tell me if I seem irrational here?” and “please help me think through all of my alternatives here.” This might save a lot of misdirected caregiving attempts by our friends and family who are doing their best while having no official training in caring for or supporting us.

Give honest feedback about the pattern: Do this only if you are established in your relational abilities and feel comfortable giving feedback. This feedback requires some agreement before presenting, or else the person you discuss it with may get defensive or resentful. Remember that toxic positivity is fulfilling a need for them.

How to deal with personal toxic positivity?

Negative emotions should be managed, not denied. When left uncontrolled, negative emotions can cause stress, but they can also supply essential information that can lead to constructive adjustments in your life.

Be honest with yourself about how you should feel. Feeling nervous, apprehensive, or even terrified is natural when confronted with a stressful situation. However, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Instead, focus on self-care and taking actions to better your circumstances.

It’s acceptable to experience several emotions. When confronted with a problem, it is natural to be both scared and hopeful about the future. Your feelings can be complicated.

Pay attention to others and express your support. Don’t shut off someone who speaks about a problematic feeling with toxic clichés. Instead, reassure them that their emotions are normal and that you are willing to hear them.

Try practicing mindfulness. Being mindful and observant is the first step in living a fulfilling emotional life. Try mindfulness by taking a moment in silence to observe how you’re feeling and what’s going on in your body and mind. Instead of focusing on a particular idea or experience, take note of everything.

Cultivate a mindset of tragic optimism. Don’t be put off by the word tragic in tragic optimism. The term was coined by Austrian psychologist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl in 1985; tragic optimism practitioners maintain that there is room to experience both the good and the bad, and we can grow from each. Here is a link that can help you get started

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210302-tragic-optimism-the-antidote-to-toxic-positivity 

Conclusion

Toxic positivity is usually subtle, and we’ve all been responsible for it at some point. However, by learning to recognize it, you will be better equipped to free yourself of this thinking style and offer (and receive) more loyal support while going through anything difficult.

Start identifying toxic remarks and make an effort to let yourself and others feel your positive and negative emotions. Want to talk more about it? Have a virtual coffee with me.