Four thoughts that wreak havoc and what CBT says to do about them

Yes, just four types of thoughts are responsible for the majority of our emotional and mental disturbances. So, in this post, let me give you four alternate thoughts to help you get a grip on yourself.

Of course, this is not my original idea. I stand on the shoulders of giants. Before I go further, I would like to introduce two quotes. One by Epictetus, the Greek stoic philosopher, and the other by Marcus Aurelius, the famous Roman emperor, was also a stoic philosopher.

“People are not disturbed by things, but by the views, they take of them.” 

Epictetus

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” 

Marcus Aurelius

These two stoic quotes can be considered the keystones of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Bear with me as I elaborate further 

It’s easy to get caught up in the everyday pressures of life. Sometimes, it can be hard to remember that you are not your job, family, or money. (Did you recognize that right now?) As a result, negative thoughts often multiply and disturb us. This disturbance prompts us to focus more on our thoughts, allowing them to proliferate and control us even more. Ruminating on intrusive thoughts is a lengthy, exhausting process that can feel like attempting to climb out of a deep, dark abyss without a rope. 

It’s essential to take time out for yourself and make sure that you are making time to unravel your thoughts. 

According to REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, the granddaddy of CBT), four irrational beliefs, also called cognitive distortions, are at the core of almost all our mental disturbances. If you can begin to catch these unhealthy thinking errors and replace them with more healthy thoughts, you may find yourself more capable of dealing with your issues. 

Unhealthy thought 1: The musts and shoulds

The rigid, absolute demands are at the core of our emotional disturbance. Hence, they are termed primary distortion. Dr. Ellis colorfully referred to the indulgence of these rigid musts as “musterbating.” 

There are three rigid musts.

1. I must do well and win the approval of others, or else I am no good
2. Other people must do “the right thing,” or they are no good and deserve to be punished.
3. Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience.

Thus we can have rigid demands about our performance, how others treat us, and the life quality or conditions.

Reframe this to: Pragmatic and flexible preferences

Flexible preferences still have the desire, but you also accept that it doesn’t have to happen, and there can be things beyond your control or skill level that influence outcomes. Thus the three alternate thoughts can be something like

1. I always want to do well and gain the approval of others every time, but I am human, and sometimes I will not. Sometimes things will not be in my control. If that happens, I am not any less of a person, or my worth does not decrease because of it.
2. I prefer that others love me, treat me well, do the right thing, but not doing so will not make me a worthless person
3. I prefer life to be comfortable, fair, fun. I know it cannot always be so. Life is not transformed into a wholly negative experience when things don’t go my way. (Just that part is negative)

Unhealthy thought 2: The “Oh no!” melodrama 

Also known as “awfulizing,” this thought is an extreme evaluation of a situation as awful, and nothing can be worse than this. It is worse than 100% bad. No good can come from this bad event. You think that things are way worse than they are. 

Awfulizing can start a chain reaction of self-fulfilling thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Once put in action, events might be predicted to be so terrible that just anticipating them would lead them to worsen.

The awfulizing statements usually start with “It’s awful that….”, “It’s terrible that….” It’s the end of the world that…..” and “It’s catastrophic that….” 

Reframe this to: A realistic perspective

The ‘non-awfulizing” perspective accepts that you don’t like the bad situation, but it could be worse. Thus the event is less than 100% bad, and finally, something good just may come out of it. It may be difficult at first to convince yourself that something isn’t terrible, awful especially if you have a history of doing so, but with practice, you can. 

Unhealthy thought 3: The can’t stand it

Known as “low frustration tolerance,” this thought is a gross underestimation of your ability to deal with adversity. The thinking is low frustration tolerance is – I will die or disintegrate if the discomfort continues to exist. I will lose the capacity to experience happiness if discomfort exists. Even if I could tolerate it, the discomfort is not worth tolerating. This, when combined with awfulizing, can be particularly intractable to get rid of.

A person with a low frustration tolerance will generally exhibit the following behavioral indicators: wanting instant gratification rather than having long-term goals, wallowing in self-pity while ignoring the sentiments of others. In addition, they seek simple rather than challenging projects, expressing impatience and being easily angered.

Some examples of low frustration tolerance thinking could be 

• If I don’t win this game, I will always feel like a failure for the rest of my life.
• If I don’t get the ice cream I want, I will never come to this city again.
• If my mother asks me to make my bed one more time, I’m going to explode.
• If that guy cuts me off in traffic again, I will leave my car and punch him.

Reframe this to: I can stand it

In “high frustration tolerance,” thinking you acknowledge the adversity you are facing but at the same time acknowledge you will not die or disintegrate. You may not like the current scenario in which you find yourself, but you realize that it is just temporary and will most likely soon resolve itself. In contrast to someone with low frustration tolerance who wants immediate gratification, someone with high frustration tolerance may confess they desire immediate gratification but knows it will not be the end of the world if they do not obtain it.

Individuals with high frustration tolerance display patience and have a long-term rather than immediate focus on events and situations.

Unhealthy thought 4: The disparaging belittling

Known as “deprecating belief,” we give a global negative rating to ourselves, to others, or life conditions in general. Thus you may think – I am not good enough, you are not good enough, life is not good enough. However, disparaging or belittling just because you did not do well in one area – I did not get the job, I am a total failure – discounts your capabilities in all other areas and can also make you forget when you did do well. 

Reframe this to: Unconditional acceptance

Every person is an amalgamation of positive, negative, and neutral attributes. They also have skills at which they are good, bad, or so so. None of these attributes and or skills taken individually or few of them accurately define your worth or that of anyone else. Tabulating the worth of a human being is impossible. The only global label that can be applied to humans is that we are complex, fallible beings. Thus not getting a job doesn’t make you worthless. It just means that you probably lack some skills. 

People who unconditionally accept themselves are more inclined to acknowledge their shortcomings and fallibilities while still appreciating their skills and talents.

Conclusion 

If you reflect back to the two quotes that I used at the beginning of this post, you will see how they ring true when you try to apply the learnings of CBT.

The ultimate aim of CBT (and thus a CBT practitioner) is to make you learn enough to self-administer it as and when needed. Try recognizing, reframing, and rationally redoing your thoughts, and hopefully, you will find yourself more healthy, happy, and calm. 

At times you may need help from a professional. I provide one-to-one therapy sessions based on cognitive behavioral therapy. If you want just to talk to know more, I invite you to have a virtual coffee with me.