Enmeshment: When relationships become too tight-knit

A tight-knit family or relationship is usually a good thing, but it is possible to be so tight-knit that you end up with enmeshment trauma. 

Sharon said her daughter was her best friend, and she shared everything with her. She could cry her pain away with her, she said. Sharon was undergoing a messy divorce and was emotionally very distraught. Her daughter was just twelve. 

Mohan proudly proclaimed that his father looked after them very well. His father took all-important decisions for the family, whether financial or personal. He really knew how to keep everyone together. He went on to add that we have a big family. Twenty-two of us live under the same roof. Mohan had come to me for his depression. He was fifty-three years old and lived with his family and his brother’s family, all controlled by his father, who was now seventy-seven. 

Both these are examples of enmeshment. By no means the only type, but I wanted to give examples that are diverse in as many ways as possible. Enmeshment is a dysfunctional behavioral pattern within a family that is transferred down from generation to generation. It cuts across all ages and all cultures. 

In this article, we will see in detail what enmeshment is, how it develops, why it is a problem, how to recognize it, and finally, what to you if you are caught in an enmeshed family system.

What is enmeshment? 

Salvador Minuchin, a family therapist, pioneered the notion of enmeshment in the 1970s. The term enmeshment refers to family structures with weak, poorly defined boundaries. In enmeshment, the whole family may work together to support a single point of view or to shield one family member from the repercussions of their conduct. Individual autonomy is minimal in these family structures, and family members often over-identify with one another. A child, for example, maybe unable to distinguish their own interests from those of their parent and may protect that parent’s interests even when doing so is damaging to them.

Enmeshment invariably jeopardizes the uniqueness and liberty of family members. It can also facilitate abuse. Abuse inside an enmeshed family system is a special kind of trauma. Survivors of enmeshment trauma may fail to identify their trauma and even defend or shield their perpetrators. Because boundaries are weak in these families, family members who accurately recognize their traumatic experiences may be shunned or even regarded as abusive.

It is healthy for families to emphasize shared values, closeness, and intimacy. However, enmeshment extends beyond the relationships of a close family. In an enmeshed family, loyalty to shared values and closeness comes at the cost of a person’s individuality and well-being.

Enmeshment occurs when a parent focuses their actions or emotions on their child(ren) on their triumphs or failures, tries to know and direct all of the child’s thoughts or feelings, and depends heavily on the child(ren) for emotional support.

Thus, enmeshment can be harmful because it prevents people from establishing a sense of self, engaging in peer interactions, and learning to self-regulate their emotions. Children from enmeshed households may also have lower distress tolerance and find it harder to assert themselves later in life.

How does enmeshment develop? 

A variety of reasons can cause enmeshment. Sometimes in a family’s history, an incident or set of events, such as an illness, trauma, or serious social issues in school, demands a parent being protective of their child. At this point, the parent comes in to help. While this solution is acceptable at the time, some parents become trapped in repeating the same strategy in every challenge that the child faces. As a result, they become too engaged in their children’s day-to-day activities resulting in enmeshment.

Enmeshment is more often a result of familial patterns being passed down through generations. It is the outcome of more porous, undifferentiated, and flexible familial and personal boundaries. This might be because earlier generations were careless with their personal boundaries, and the current generation learned to do the same. Or it might be a deliberate desire to avoid familial habits from a previous generation that seemed extremely tight in its personal limits.

A deep generational tragedy such as the Holocaust or the Irish Potato Famine may have a role in the enmeshment seen in certain communities. When families are fearful or distrustful of strangers, they might opt to shut them out and focus only on one other’s needs. The children in these families find it very difficult to develop a sense of self or understand their individuality because even setting emotional boundaries may invoke a sense of guilt. 

Why is enmeshment harmful? 

Enmeshment works by increasing a sense of belonging, but it does have its definite downsides. Members of enmeshed families frequently struggle to establish their own sense of identity and self-esteem. According to research, enmeshment often leads to trouble controlling one’s own emotions, but it can also negatively impact future relationships. 

Enmeshment enables abuse

Although enmeshment does not always result in abuse, it is a powerful tool for protecting abusers from the repercussions of their acts. In addition, enmeshed family members may be defensive of one another and see even the most damaging behavior as normal and healthy.

Enmeshment can make it harder for people to build deep ties with one another. Without these interactions, enmeshed family members find it challenging to identify that their family’s relational style is unhealthy.

Even when enmeshed family members develop outside relationships, their enmeshed family may intrude on them. Alternatively, the enmeshed individual may regard their family as expected and their relationship as the problem. An adult who marries, for example, may still favor their childhood family above their spouse or may expect their partner to submit to family members or accept abusive conduct.

Enmeshement is traumatic

Enmeshment may be traumatic in and of itself, significantly when it normalizes abuse. 

In certain circumstances, though, enmeshment is a result of trauma. For example, to protect themselves, a family may grow exceptionally close. Say, in response to major disease, natural disaster, or untimely bereavement. However, enmeshment loses its protective role and might damage each family member’s own autonomy when this pattern endures much beyond the original trauma.

Trauma is frequently dismissed in enmeshed families. For example, a parent may downplay their drunken night of abuse as a typical reaction to their child’s poor academic performance. Siblings in adulthood may justify a parent’s abuse by claiming that the parent was under extreme stress or that the abuse was the children’s fault. 

Enmeshed family structures make it harder for family members to comprehend their own feelings and experiences by rejecting trauma as normal or justified. A family may regularly substitute the family’s collective judgment for an individual’s feelings. As a result, individual family members may struggle to discern their personal feelings from the ones the family maintains they should have over time. Yes, this is a type of gaslighting.

Enmeshment can lead to trauma bonding.

People who share a traumatic or deep emotional experience may bond in unexpected and unhealthy ways. To define these relationships, Patrick Carnes coined the term “trauma bonding.”

In trauma bonding, a cycle of abuse firmly binds family members together, resulting in strong emotional relationships that can be difficult to escape.

The abuser may become aggressive and threatening, then embarrassed, remorseful, even apologetic, followed by being incredibly affectionate. Some abusive parents try to compensate for their maltreatment by giving presents, going on special vacations, or showing intense love. Many abuse survivors describe that their parents were super innovative, lively, and loving when they were not violent.

It might be tough to break free from this intermittent reinforcement of love and affection which happens between abuse. The longer this cycle continues, the more difficult it gets to leave the relationship. But on the other hand, abuse survivors may genuinely love their abusers and feel that their abusers also love them. 

Even if survivors correctly identify the abuse and set boundaries or leave the relationship, trauma bonding and enmeshment can impact future relationships. In these instances, the cycle of abuse feels normal and becomes the person’s point of reference for a future relationship. Unfortunately, this often leads survivors of trauma and enmeshment to seek out and remain in violent or enmeshed relationships.

Enmeshment consequences

With all that mentioned above in an enmeshed dynamic, the results can be varied and unhealthy. Here is a bullet point list of what you may see in an individual due to enmeshment.

• Seeking approval and having poor self-esteem
• Abandonment angst
• Anxiety
• Not having a strong sense of self; being disconnected from your feelings, interests, and beliefs.
• Not following your dreams.
• Being burdened with unwarranted guilt and responsibility
• Having difficulty speaking out for yourself
• Relationships that are codependent
• Failure to develop self-awareness
• Not learning to self soothe, sit with challenging feelings, and calm yourself.
• Feeling responsible for those who have harmed you or who refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions.

How to recognize enmeshment? 

Here are some warning signs to watch for if you believe you are a member of an enmeshed family.

Parental behavior in an enmeshed family

• You expect your child always to emulate your views and ideals.
• You discourage your child from pursuing their aspirations.
• Your self-esteem is determined by your child’s accomplishments.
• Your existence revolves around your child’s life.
• You feel that you can provide for all of your child’s needs and that they should not seek out others outside the family.
• You need to know all aspects and everything about your child’s life.
• Your child is your buddy, and you expect them to be emotionally supportive of you.
• You give out sensitive personal information to your child that should otherwise be kept private.

A child’s behavior in an enmeshed family

• You don’t have a strong sense of self.
• You are not concerned with your wants but rather with the needs of others.
• You make sure that your ambitions align with what your parents wish for you while disregarding what you desire.
• You are ashamed of your desire for space.
• You avoid conflict and have no idea how to say “no.”
• You believe you must address the problems that your family members are experiencing.

What distinguishes an enmeshed family from a close family?

Most parents are ready to invest a significant amount of money, time, and emotional energy to instill a sense of connection and togetherness in their children. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it does contribute to a happy, close-knit family.

But how can you ensure that the intimacy you seek does not imply enmeshment? Here are three indicators of a close — but not enmeshed — family:

1. The emotional attachments give the youngsters the stability they need to step out into the world and become themselves.
2. Instead of using one another to achieve their emotional needs, the family members offer each other room to grow.
3. Children are encouraged to contribute to the household chores not just to show respect to their parents but also because their participation boosts their self-esteem and provides them a sense of accomplishment. (Hey, it’s time for you to take out the garbage.) Their contribution, however, has no unhealthy effect on their mental or physical well-being. It does not unfairly interfere with study time or socializing with peers.

Codependency and Enmeshment

Codependency is akin to enmeshment. The phrases may be used interchangeably in therapeutic settings.

Codependency is typically defined as a relationship in which one person rescues or supports another person who acts out via emotional, physical, or drug abuse. Enmeshment is a broad term that refers to the behaviors, communication styles, and activities that occur inside a codependent friendship or relationship.

How to get out of enmeshment?

Set boundaries

A lack of boundaries is one of the critical features of an enmeshed family. Thus setting boundaries is essential if you want to transform deeply entrenched, enmeshed relationships.

Boundaries establish a healthy barrier between you and others. We require both physical and emotional boundaries (Example: personal space, privacy, and the freedom to decline a hug or other physical touch) (Example: A right to your own feelings, a right to say no, a right to be treated with respect, or not answer a call from a toxic person).

First, you must identify the particular set of boundaries you require. Next, take note of the times you feel guilty, resentful, underappreciated, or furious. Investigate what’s behind these emotions; there’s a definite probability there was a boundary breach. Once you have identified the situation and the person, convey your expectations and boundaries assertively and consistently. State the facts without exaggerating, blaming, or acting defensive. Address any violations of boundaries early but again in a calm, assertive manner.

Get a sense of self! Individuate.

Enmeshment traps you in your comfort zone because you make fewer decisions on your own. However, at the same time, enmeshment inhibits the development of a strong sense of self. You end up not knowing who you are, what matters to you, what you want to achieve, and so on. You feel obligated to please others, stifling your interests, goals, and dreams because others would not approve or understand. 

Discovering who you truly are is a vital component of freeing oneself from an enmeshed relationship. What are your hobbies, values, and goals? What are your strongest points? What is it about which you are particularly enthusiastic? Where do you like to go on a vacation? What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? This might be a difficult task if you were not encouraged to develop your own interests and ideas. It might elicit sentiments of guilt or betrayal. But, contrary to popular belief, putting yourself first is not selfish. It is not improper to have your own thoughts and preferences and act on them.

Date yourself in the same way as you would a new partner. Take yourself on vacations or travels, ask yourself what makes you happy and sad, and choose to wear what you want, even if your parents may not approve of it, but don’t do that because they don’t approve. There are several questionnaires and journal prompts that can help you discover your sense of self. Start small. This is a long journey. Be patient with yourself, and grant yourself compassion and gratitude for caring enough about yourself to give yourself this gift of self.

Stop the guilt

Guilt may be a major hindrance to setting boundaries, being assertive, creating a distinct sense of self, and doing what is good for you rather than what is right for others. In enmeshed families, guilt is frequently utilized as a manipulative tool. If we go against the flow, we are admonished that we are wrong, greedy, or insensitive. Most of us absorb this guilt over time and feel that having our own beliefs or setting boundaries is bad. This type of stinking thinking is frequently so ingrained that it is the most challenging part of overcoming enmeshment.

The first step toward change is admitting that guilt and self-criticism are neither practical nor accurate portrayals of reality. Next, note how frequently you feel guilty and how often guilt determines your conduct. Then, attempt to question the warped beliefs that keep you feeling guilty. Changing your thinking might be a complex process, but you can gradually reduce your unwarranted guilt. Again, cognitive Behavioural Therapy can be beneficial for this.

Get support and professional help.

Breaking away from enmeshment is difficult since it is most likely a relationship structure you have known since infancy. People who benefit from your enmeshment will almost certainly try to make it difficult for you to change. Getting help from a qualified therapist, preferably a CBT practitioner, or a support group (such as Codependents Anonymous https://coda.org/newcomers/) may be extremely beneficial for learning new skills and lowering guilt and shame.

Changing enmeshed family relationships may be difficult. However, enmeshment, like healing, exists on a scale. You don’t have to make drastic changes all at once. Instead, choose one chance to concentrate on and work on regularly improving in that area. It does become easier!

A note about cultural norms.

It is important to note that the United States is a considerably more individualistic society than many other cultures. What appears to be enmeshment in the United States may be the norm in the more collectivist societies of most South Asian nations. Here people prioritize the interests of the collective over the needs of individuals. This may be worked well in the past and still does in some cases, but increasingly people are moving out, plus, the family and society structure is changing. When the old dynamics don’t change, enmeshment occurs, but the verdict is not very clear. A study found that enmeshed adults in the United Kingdom had a higher rate of depression than enmeshed adults in Italy. More studies are needed in this area. Some critics point out that these systems represent patriarchial and male-centered views. 

Conclusion

If you were reading this to understand and get out of enmeshment, the first step is to create boundaries. Patience is a virtue. Give yourself and others some time. Seek professional help if needed. If you want to talk about your situation, I invite you to have a virtual coffee with me.

References Minuchin S. Families and Family Therapy. [Rev.] ed. Routledge; 2012. Manzi C, Vignoles VL, Regalia C, Scabini E. Cohesion and enmeshment revisited: differentiation, identity, and well-being in two european cultures. J Marriage and Family. 2006;68(3):673-689. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00282.x  Bograd M. Enmeshment, fusion or relatedness? : a conceptual analysis. Journal of Psychotherapy & The Family. 1988;3(4):65-80. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000118 Kivisto KL, Welsh DP, Darling N, Culpepper CL. Family enmeshment, adolescent emotional dysregulation, and the moderating role of gender. Journal of Family Psychology. 2015;29(4):604-613. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000118