Anger Management For Beginners: A CBT based approach

If you want to get started with anger management you are not alone! Do you know that many people have a hard time dealing with their anger? A recent survey showed that one in four people experienced more anger over the last couple of years. If you are one of those people, this post is a perfect place to get started. 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps you understand the underlying causes of anger and teaches you how to manage your emotions. It is based on the premise that anger is a learned behavior, and you can learn to manage it.

Understanding anger

The angry man will defeat himself in battle as in life.

Samurai Wisdom

Anger is a normal emotion; however, it comes in healthy and unhealthy flavors; more about that later. I want to start by pointing out certain myths about anger. We will then examine the differences between healthy and unhealthy anger, and finally, we will put it all together in an anger cycle.

Myths about anger

1. It is always preferable to express one’s anger. For many years, it was widely assumed that forceful expressions of anger, such as yelling or pounding on pillows, were good and beneficial. However, studies have shown that those who express their anger forcefully merely grow better at being angry. In other words, expressing anger aggressively fosters aggressive behavior. See next point for further clarification. 

2. You won’t get what you want unless you are aggressive. No, nope, please don’t confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. Aggression seeks to control, intimidate, damage, or injure another person to win at whatever cost. On the other hand, the purpose of assertiveness is to express your needs and emotions (anger included) in a way that is heedful of others. Expressing oneself assertively avoids blaming or threatening others and reduces the risk of emotional injury.

3. Anger inevitably leads to aggression. A similar myth believes that aggression is the only effective method to communicate anger. However, there are more productive and assertive methods to show anger. Again I would like to emphasize that Controlling the escalation of anger requires gaining assertiveness skills. 

4. It is not possible to change how you express your anger. One common fallacy or myth regarding anger is that anger is hereditary and cannot be changed. When we feel angry, our facial expressions and nervous system response are inherited, but what we do next, our conduct is learned. Thus, it is possible to develop more suitable methods of expressing anger since people are not born with fixed, unique ways of expressing anger. Similarly, you can adjust how your nervous system reacts when you become furious. With practice, you can learn to calm down more quickly. 

Do you believe any of these myths to be true? A point to retain from this is “anger” is an emotion, and “assertiveness” is a behavior.

Recipe for anger, or when do we get angry? 

We experience negative emotions when we face adversities. Thus, each negative emotion has a script or a recipe. We experience anger when we encounter one or a combination of the following.

1. You’ve been frustrated in some manner.
2. Your progress toward a significant goal has been hampered in some manner.
3. Someone has broken one of your personal rules.
4. You’ve broken one of your own personal rules.
5. Someone or Something has put your “self-esteem” at risk.

Unhealthy vs. healthy anger

Negative emotions can be healthy or unhealthy. For example, anxiety is an unhealthy negative emotion, and its healthy counterpart is a concern. Unfortunately, the English language doesn’t provide us with a unique word for the healthy counterpart of anger, so while speaking, we differentiate it by just the prefixes unhealthy anger and healthy anger. So how do these two differ?

Behavior in unhealthy anger:

• You physically and verbally attack others
• You may act passive-aggressively
• You may direct your anger at another person or animal
• You withdraw aggressively (stomping out, slamming doors)
• and you gather supporters to oppose the others 

Thinking in unhealthy anger:

• You exaggerate the extent to which the other(s) behaved on purpose.
• You only attribute malice to the other person’s intentions
• You consider oneself unquestionably correct, while the other(s) are unquestionably wrong.
• You are unable to see the other person’s point of view
• You plan to take revenge.
• You ruminate on the other person’s behavior and obsess about proving yourself right.

Whereas in healthy anger, your behavior and thinking is as follows 

Behavior in healthy anger:

• You act assertively with others 
• You request but do not demand that the other person modify their behavior 
• You leave the anger-provoking situation without becoming hostile after taking measures to address it.

Thinking in healthy anger:

• You think other has acted purposefully, but you acknowledge that this may not be the case.
• You are open to others’ points of view. 
• You may have thoughts of revenge, but these are usually transitory and seldom acted upon.
• You believe that others’ motivations were malicious; still, you acknowledge that this may be the case.
• You believe you are probably rather than undoubtedly correct, and the others are probably rather than undoubtedly incorrect.

Assertive behavior and flexible thinking are the hallmarks of healthy anger.

The anger cycle

The cycle of anger has five components: trigger, negative thoughts, emotional response, physical symptoms, and behavioral response. Mastering the cycle allows us to better understand our anger and the reactions of others.

Triggering Event can be anything that results in negative thoughts and emotional reactions. E.g., getting stuck in traffic, Being criticized fairly or unfairly, Something or someone not working as expected.

Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) usually link the triggering event to the reaction. E.g., she should listen to me. That idiot pushed in deliberately. I hate my boss. They are doing it on purpose. 

Negative Emotional Response follows an Automatic Negative Thought, In this case, frustration, anger, rage.

Physical Symptoms are seen when your body reacts to your emotions. Unfortunately, we are many times unaware of these reactions. For example, your muscles tense up, breathing is heavy, your hands may shake. Faces flushes, and heart is pounding.

Behavioral Response to the combination of thoughts, emotions, and physical symptoms is an “angry reaction,” which can comprise of shouting, arguing, criticizing, verbally or physically attacking others. Throwing and breaking objects. This behavior can, in turn, be a trigger for more thoughts and so on. 

Misplaced Anger

Lastly, we also need to acknowledge what is now called “misplaced anger” Early anger theories proposed that increasing frustration might lead to violence, and anger appears to be a mediator in this relationship.

However, according to a newer theory, the negative effect of all emotions stacks up, and if a certain threshold is achieved, aggressiveness is likely to emerge. Even anxiety, guilt, and shame can trigger anger and aggressiveness. This is pretty counter-intuitive given that these emotions are often connected with withdrawal and avoidance behaviors. This also implies that the act of rage/aggression may have less to do with the current target and more to do with prior painful experiences or situations. This anger is referred to as “misplaced anger.”

Misplaced anger may seem too disproportionate to the apparent trigger. I want to emphasize that in cases of misplaced anger, the primary unhealthy negative emotion has to be addressed along with anger for CBT to be effective. 

Interventions in anger management

Now that we have understood the processes of anger, let us see what we can do about it. If you are reading this and want to do Something about your anger, you probably already are suffering from the ill effects of anger. Nonetheless, it is a good idea to write down why you want to change your anger before you begin. A simple cost-benefit analysis works pretty well. Then, if need be, do it with someone who empathizes with you. 

Several frameworks within CBT work with anger management. I like to keep it simple and use the components of the anger cycle to help my clients. Thus each component has an intervention or a few interventions that they can immediately get started with. 

Identify your anger triggers.

In CBT, we rarely do much with the triggering or the activating events and definitely not as a first step. This is because most of the time, the activating events are external and not in our control but in anger, these can be internal. Thus, it is suggested that you deal with your triggers. For example, when and where are you most likely to become angry? If you can spot the themes, you might be able to intervene and do Something different in certain instances. E.g., While driving, with certain people, when stressed. 

The longer you are in a triggering scenario, the more triggered you will be. So take a 5-minute break (a toilet break is ideal). This allows you to practice your other techniques, and when you return, your judgment will be clear, and you will be able to manage the situation more successfully.

Mindfulness and Relaxation techniques in anger management

Mindfully acknowledge your anger. This simple act can bring awareness to many thoughts and actions that you would otherwise do automatically. If you notice your face feels warm or flushed, silently acknowledge: I notice that my face feels warm/flushed. If you notice a “Hot Thought,” silently acknowledge: I notice I am having a thought about how she should act. Verbalizing your thoughts and physical symptoms creates a distance between you and them. This distance or unhooking, in turn, helps you react differently. 

Practicing calming breathing techniques and progressive muscle relaxation also help reduce the sensations, emotions, and intensity of thoughts. I particularly like the Breathe in blue (calm) and breathe out red exercise.

Change ANTs to RATs

When you get angry, it is usually preceded by some automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) practice techniques to change them to Rational Alternative Thoughts (RATs). A CBT therapist does this by what is known as “disputation,” but you can also try it yourself. 

Create alternate perspectives. Your anger and your thoughts can get entwined in a vicious cycle. The more you think about what is making you angry, the angrier you get, the angrier you get, the more rigid your thinking becomes, making you angrier. Look at the triggering scenario from a few different perspectives to loosen up your thought processes and, as a result, lessen your degree of anger. Ask yourself questions like:

• What exactly is it about this situation that is truly getting under my skin?
• Is this a fact or a personal opinion?
• Is it possible that I’m exaggerating things?
• How significant will it be in 6 months?
• What genuine harm has been done?
• Is it possible that I have unreasonable expectations of this person or situation?
• Is it possible that I’m jumping to conclusions about what this individual meant?
• Is it possible that I’m mind reading or reading between the lines?
• Is it possible they didn’t mean it that way?
• What’s the larger picture here? What is the bird’s eye view?

Learn Assertiveness for anger management

Ill effects of anger are mostly ill-effects of aggressive (or passive-aggressive) behavior. The antidote is being assertive. Assertiveness is a communication style where you put forth your needs but also heed the needs of others. This leads to reduced frustration and better communication. 

Luckily, assertiveness is a skill that you can learn. There are several ways you can do this. 

• Mimic your behaviors in the less assertive areas of your life from the more assertive areas of your life. 
• Join a self-help assertiveness training course
• Join support groups or group therapy
• Get a coach, mentor, or therapist who can help you become more assertive

Bonus techniques

Some of the other techniques that can help you get started with overcoming anger are 

• Getting regular physical exercise
• Developing self-compassion
• Practicing gratitude and keeping a gratitude journal 
• Talk to a professional CBT therapist

Conclusion

Experiencing anger is a normal part of being human. Overcoming problematic anger is a skill and habit that can be acquired. The key techniques include mindfulness, reframing your thoughts, learning assertiveness. You may need more help; I offer one-to-one sessions based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for anger management. If you want to know more, I invite you to have a virtual coffee with me, and we will talk about you.