Use Active Listening For Better Relationships 

Last week we talked about I-statements for communicating better. However, I-statements will be ineffective if the person listening doesn’t hear them properly. This is where active listening comes in.  

Most people think about listening as a passive activity, and they listen to respond rather than understand, in a relationship conflict that is counterproductive. It’s easy to assume that being a good listener means you hear what people are saying and respond accordingly. However, it’s much more effective to listen actively.

Unfortunately, many people find active listening hard to do. It’s often described as a difficult skill to master. And it’s needed in a wide range of situations – from relationship conversations to business meetings.

If you are looking for a different way to approach communication in your relationships, active listening can help you. Of course, active listening is by no means the ultimate tool for conflict resolution and definitely not the easiest one to use either when your thoughts and emotions flood you, but it can be a useful one. 

In this post, I’ll show you the simple steps of active listening and how you can practice them. But, before we deep dive into the topic, let us looks at some background information.

What is active listening?

Active listening is a series of practices aimed to help you hear and comprehend what someone else is saying and assist you, the speaker, in clearly expressing themselves. Active listening focuses on both facts and feelings, decreases tension and defensiveness, and enables more successful dispute resolution.

Origins of active listening

Carl Rogers and Richard Farson introduced the phrase “active listening” in a study of the same name published in 1957. Rogers and Farson write: “Active listening is an important way to bring about changes in people. Despite the popular notion that listening is a passive approach, clinical and research evidence clearly shows that sensitive listening is the most effective agent for individual personality change and group development. Listening brings about changes in people’s attitudes toward themselves and others; it also brings about changes in their basic values and personal philosophy. People who have been listened to in this new and special way become more emotionally mature, more open to their experiences, less defensive, more democratic, and less authoritarian.”

Benefits of active listening in relationships

Active listening offers many benefits in your relationships. First, it enables you to appreciate another person’s point of view and respond with empathy. It also allows you to ask clarifying questions to ensure that you understand what is being said. Lastly, it acknowledges the speaker and encourages them to continue speaking.

Thus It’s easy to understand how active listening may help relationships.

Being an active listener in a relationship implies that you understand that the conversation is about your partner rather than about you. This is especially crucial when one of the partners in a relationship is under stress.

Your willingness to actively listen to a partner going through a tough time is an important asset. Furthermore, it benefits relationships by making you less likely to intervene with a “quick fix” when the other person simply wants to be heard.

Active listening:

• Shows respect for values, concerns, and feelings
• Relieves the pressure of high emotions, calms people down
• It helps the speaker organize their thoughts
• Recognizes concerns without endorsing them
• It enables the listener to know what the issues are

Steps for active listening

I prefer to use a clear 6 step method for active listening.

Being attentive.

Giving the speaker time to think and speak is an important goal of active listening and being an effective listener. As a result, pay attention and give yourself “wait time” before answering. Please do not interrupt the speaker; let them finish their sentences or begin forming your response before they have finished. When engaging in active listening, pay attention to your body language and your mental state. Keep your attention on the present moment, make eye contact, and behave from a position of respect as the listener.

Being nonjudgmental.

Active listening needs keeping an open mind. When practicing, be open to new ideas, viewpoints, and opportunities as a listener and a leader. Even when they have strong opinions, effective listeners defer judgment, reserve any critiques, and avoid disruptions such as arguing or pushing their point prematurely.

Reflecting and Paraphrasing.

When you’re the listener, please don’t assume you’ve correctly understood the speaker or that they’re aware you’ve heard them. Instead, mirror your speaker’s sentences and emotions by paraphrasing essential points regularly. Reflecting suggests that you and your counterpart are on the same track.

Paraphrasing often begins with:

• “So what I hear you saying is ….”
• “In other words ….”
• “What I understand you want to say is ….”
• “If I hear you correctly ….”

Reflective sentences often begin with:

• “That must make you feel ….”
• “It sounds like you were really feeling ….”
• “If I were in your shoes, I might have concerns about that also.”
• “I can see why you’re feeling ….”

Clarifying.

When engaged in active listening, don’t be afraid to ask questions regarding any ambiguous or unclear issues. For example, if you are the listener and have any doubts or uncertainty about what was said, say something like, “Let me see if I’m clear.” “Are you referring to…?” “Wait a minute,” “I didn’t keep up with you.”

Open-ended, clarifying, and probing questions are good tools because they allow the person speaking to undertake the work of self-reflection and problem resolution rather than explaining or defending a position or guessing the “correct answer.”

Summarizing.

Affirming major themes throughout the talk validates and strengthens your understanding of the other person’s point of view. It also assists both parties in clarifying mutual expectations and follow-up. Summarize what you’ve learned while actively listening, then invite the other person to do the same.

Sharing.

The other person comes first during active listening, followed by being understood as the listener. As you gain a deeper insight into the other person’s point of view, you may start introducing your thoughts, feelings, and suggestions. This is where I-statements can come in very handy. Alternating between active listening and I-statements can take you a long way in resolving conflicts in a relationship.

Practicing active listening

Like almost everything I write in this blog, active listening is a skill that can be learned and improved with practice. While I have already written about the technique above, here are some additional tips to keep in mind while practicing. 

Make eye contact and mind your body language: Try to have direct eye contact when the person speaks—nod in acknowledgment. Don’t cross your arms. 

Don’t interrupt or abruptly change the subject: Remember you are listening

Watch the nonverbal cues from the speaker: Posture and facial expressions can convey a lot. 

Shut down your own internal dialogue: If you start being flooded, explain and call for a break. It is not possible to hear two people talk at the same time.

Conclusion 

Active listening is a valuable social skill that can be used in a number of situations. Practice this skill frequently, and it will become second nature to you. If you find it very hard to practice, consider taking professional help to better your relationship. Lastly, don’t forget to pair active listening with I-statements. 

References: 1. “Improving Listening Competence.” Communication in the Real World: An Introduction to Communication Studies. Open Textbook Library. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Libraries. 29 September 2016. 2. Reed, Warren H. (1985). Positive listening: learning to hear what people are really saying. New York: F. Watts.  3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening